this is it.
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I cant tell people that know me
i wrote this in intention of sending it to someone but after i wrote it out, i chickened out and didnt send it to them. I would rather be known as a care free happy person, then the chick who got beaten up by her bf. but i didnt want to throw this away so i put it on here. if anyone reads this, i would love a reply, i like this because you shall never meet me, and so i dont feel obligated to have a image.
Well, years back when I was 14 I was having troubles and hurting myself and shit. I was sexually assaulted by the boy I had such a crush on and he would always bully me and when he was nice to me for a sungle day I met up with him and yeah. Then the same happen with this other guy when I was 15 but it happened on multiple occasions. So I was feeling pretty shit and I started not eating and got down to 46kg, most of my friends were 60kg. then I met this guy who I fell in love with and I moved away for him to geelong and lost my family and friends and it turns out he was a lying, girl beating psychopath. Like a honest psycho. He would hurt me and threaten to kill me then he’d cry and say hes a terrible person and that he loves me and that I should leave him and that he is going to kill himself bcoz of this bla bla. I hadn’t a proper friend in the world becoz I wasn’t allowed to stay at ppl’s places (he wouldn’t let me) and i found safety in myself and so I didn’t talk to anyone about it. That lasted for about a year. When it came to the end of yr 10 and I didn’t have money for yr 11 I had to quit. He was jobless and was always out by then and was openly cheating on me but I didn’t have a home to go to so I had to stay. Once when he was stoned as fuck, I asked him how many girls he has ever rooted. He said 10, before me it was 4. I told him so and then he punched me around and told me to mind my own business. So anyway, I couldn’t run away to school and was stuck with him and he was broke bcoz he was behind in debt from having two kids (oh, the night I met him was the night before his wedding. He tried to fuck me but I wouldn’t. I found out that he was supposed to get married a month before I moved. By that time he was never home) and he had a loan out for a boat and car. So everytime he’d get paid by the doll we had to wake up at 5am and get it from the bank before the bank ppl did. And if we didn’t then that’s a whole two weeks of hell for me.
So I was stuck with that 24/7 and then he started taking my doll money for petrol and pissing off. Ihe would leave at 9am and be home stoned as fuck at 11pm, fuck me then sleep (if I didn’t sleep then he would hurt me or make me give him a gobby so it was just better for me to let him) then piss off again the next day. I had a few mental break downs and cried all the time. For a week straight I didn’t leave my room other than to go to the toilet or until he came home and would get food out there when he did (we lived with his family) I just didn’t want to talk or see anyone. I wouldn’t even turn on the light or read a book or anything. I just laid there staring at the roof and walls for 13hrs a day. Before then he would sometimes bring me home weed and it’d make things better. I wasn’t sad because I didn’t feel anything at all. My mind would go blank and I would spend the hours easier because time went quicker when I wasn’t thinking. Eventually his family noticed and one day came in and said you can’t lock yourself in here, it’ll make ya all depressed and shit. I went out and started sitting and eating with the family ad playing on the computer and looking for jobs. I eventually got a job as a chef and it was really hard work but it was ok. I would be up at 6am and be home at 11. I would give him all my money, the only money I would spend on myself would be the cheap make up and travel money on buses and trains. The rest would go to my weed and then all to him. Basically I would earn about $500 and I would keep $100 of it. Only maybe once a month would he pick me up or take me to work. And that would be because he ran out of money.
So I was smoking heaps of weed when ever I could and working hard and coming home to a abusive asshole that was fucking girls then fucking me and being totally ungrateful. Once I said, I will move out if you want me to. Just say it and im gone the next week. He said he loved me and he’s just going through a hard time. Sorry babe.
So yeah it was a mental fuck and physically fucking me. I already had problems and was weighing only 41kg (I weighed that when I was -10) and yeah it took its toll and I devolped depression. I reckon I had it within the first 4 months of him properly and it was floating around before I met him. But as you can imagine being treated like that by the first love just pushed me over the edge. Not to mention the most horrid fact that I had no where to go. The only place I could go was to a hostel, but he convinced me that I would be raped and stole from if I went there. So completely trapped and defensless.
So when I eventually got away from him and moved down here i am such a proud person that I didn’t tell a peep of anything that happened up there. To my family, they think that it was just some long awesome holiday I had having fun and being stupid. But I don’t mind. I’d rather that then them knowing the truth. I have told this to two ppl, the recent bf and my old best friend. But I don’t tell them everything bcoz I cannot stand someone feeling sorry for me. I never cry in front of anyone. I shed sooo soo soo sooo many tears in geelong in that room. I remember being on the ground at his feet crying up at him begging him to stay home just once and he called me a stupid clingy slut and walked out.
After I left there I have only cried in front of someone twice. Once was a sad cry bcoz I wasn’t moving back up to geelong for ehli (recent bf) and the second was when ehli told me he got a head job from his ex that called me ugly when we were waiting for the boat to Tasmania (even though we said to each other we can do what ever with who ever bcoz we’re not together. It still just sucked hearing it then and there)
but other than that I have never. It’s just so weak and pathetic and I am never letting myself be so ever again.
ANYWAY.. depression is something that tends to go and come back randomly. I’ve been off and on ever since living here. I will just be so, unmotivated to do anything, so blank in the mind that I feel nothing. I feel ugly and out of place and slow and I cant concentrate on anything. I only sometimes cry. Rarely, only if im writing a poem about what has happened.
And over the holidays with ehli, it was so great to be with him again but I had to keep telling myself not to get close, not to feel anything, that I didn’t mean anything to him anymore. it hurt so much to see him chatting with girls, calling them babe and hun and sweetie and shit. And realising all at once that everything that I thought was special between us wasn’t. We used to dance together old style and he would sing along while staring in my eyes, and now I realise he does that with every chick he wants to fuck. He claims that he hasn’t done anything but kiss a girl (turns out the head job shit was just to make me feel jealous bcoz I had sex with someone when I was drunk ((when im really down the quickest way to make me feel better is to make myself feel wanted and the easiest way is to be called hot or have sex with someone: which I know is a desperate plea for being wanted but it just happens and I realise that)) and it was all a lie and he told me it was a lie about a week ago) but I don’t believe him. I feel like he’s rooting chicks and that he is just lying to me to keep me on his good side. And I don’t know if this is me being paranoid becoz I trusted that bad bf (ian) and he betrayed me so dramatically, or if its true. Ehli really is a good person, but I just don’t know if he is, or if I am telling myself he is becoz he pretends to be but he really is evil.
It was so so so hard to let myself love him. I believe he did love me once. And I let myself love him and I let him into my heart. But now I regret it so much becoz just yesterday we found that he will never move down here for me. The only way we will ever be together is if I move up there to him. I already once this year tried to move up there for him, but I didn’t get the job and had to concentrate on school so I had to stop. And just the fact that he wouldn’t move down for me shows the difference in our mind frame. And that just shows he doesn’t love me as much as I love him and so he could quite possibly be a bastard after all. In a poem I wrote last night it said
there Is cracks in our cement
and so our relationship will fall
and I will be left on the ground
with nothing but rubble to call my own
And its so true. Just like what happened with ian will happen to me again. I will trust him and build myself around him only for him to get up and leave and push me down in his way and not look back. A way I used to describe ian in my head was, ‘he is like an emotional hurricane. He pulls you in, throws you around, and spits you out. Leaving a trail of destruction behind him without even noticing’
I feel so pointless. I havnt made any real friends because I just don’t want any one getting close and me blurting this out becoz everyone thinks of me as so happy and care free and I like that. I don’t like bringing people down and all I want to do is make people happy. But I get so lonely being by myself all the time. And it sucks becoz ehli was the only person I had close to me. And now he rarely talks to me. Maybe once a night ill get a reply to a message from him. I had a massive skitz out after telling him so many ties to talk to me or call me just for 5 minutes. I deleted him and he was saying how he was sorry and that he didn’t mean to make me feel like this and that he has just been busy and that he wants me as a part of his life and that we will eventually be together again bla bla. Then over fb message when we discovered that he never will move down here for me, it just seemed to break the last vein that kept my beaten heart together and broke it clean. And ever since then I have realised once and for all he doesn’t love me and there is no question about it.
Im so behind on school work because I cant concentrate on anything and its getting hard because teachers yell shit at me and they don’t know whats going on and I def wont tell them.
All I want to do is crawl into a ball and just hibernate and cuddle myself and be safe bcoz im the last person I trust.
There is a site called poemhunter where I have 78 poems that I have wrote since I was about 14, and it seems that the poems I wrote before ian, talking of sadness and happenings that are so terrible and depressing, which were lies at the time, are now all fitting me perfectly.
Im just over being so scared and alone. And It was such a major thing for me to let ehli in and love him and only to have him break my heart after only 7 or so months is just crumbling. I don’t think I’ll be able to let anyone in properly for such a long time and im scared ill grow bitter. Or for the person I do finally let in ill become obsessive and anxiety will kick in that he will leave me and I’ll ruin everything. Basically, all I need is some weed to make myself numb unyil I don’t care then ill be happy again to live my life with just me and in my little world of bliss and intoxication of the natural beauty of life.