John Doe

Chronicles of a Drifter
2012-04-25 17:18:06 (UTC)

entry 59

Today was one of my bad days and is still ongoing now thanks to a text Sandy sent me. I'm done with that bullshit. Kids have big ass mouths nowadays. Today got kicked off with Sandy. Just hangin'...I...cannot see her or feel anything toward her anymore ever since shit changed. Jason occuppied everything. And he still does. I mean...I thought it would be good. He said hi to me while he was walking to first period with Kendal, but that's what killed me. He was with Kendal for te first half of the day. And kendal wound up happy with some "middle ground". So there dating but they aren't? Are they friends with benefits?...idk but I was trying not to cry in math class today. God I felt so pathetic. I did...ugh it was terrible. I felt like I was only crying for attention or something but I wasn't, I really had to cry. Kendal was asking me what's wrong and shit and I couldn't tell her, I mean. Cmon man..what am I gonna say? Its starting to get like last time..little things set me off. And I don't know what to do. Leave Jason or stay? What do I do?! I don't know. But I'm so tired right now..I can't deal with that drama or those long complicated thoughts. I don't have the energy. I barely have enough energy to type this. And I'm supposed to go jogging. I feel more like sleeping now. Well I walked into math class to Jason putting trash in my backpack. It was an empty bottle of iced tea. Wanna know what's so pathetic? I thought about pretending to drink something out of that bottle and to make contact just cause I know Jasons lips were on that. God, that's disgusting. I was just really damn emotional and bipolar today. I couldn't even smile at Jason. He came and punched me and I got aggressive with him and he gave me attitude. .-. Wasn't in the mood to get socked, especially not by you Jason. He grabbed me by the neck and shit and made all sorts of little contacts. He obviously couldn't tell that I was bummed, thanks to my hair hiding my eyebrows. I touched his butt like 3 times. Squeezed his buttcheeks. There so tiny. .-. He's such a kid. I'm unhappy now. I'm really really unhappy. Going back to depression now. Fuck! FUCK! Smiling at school is going t be such a pain in the ass. I gotta put up a fake act for everyone, especially Kike and Kendal. ):<! Fuck my life man. I been staying on top of my acting with them but I don't know if I could do it now. Ill just try my best. Sandy was going crazy and being dramatic asking me what's wrong. When I was sitting at lunch with kennedy and I asked aidah who Sandy was talking to and she said Jason, I busted out crying. I was so ughh...goddamnit. I was shitting my pants that sandy went and told Jason "what did you do to Carlos?! He's upset because of YOU!" If she had ever done that....omg....what would have happened? I thought it did and I was getting readey to say my goodbyes but it turns out that sandy was just over there for Carla. Tomorrow is going to suck. I'm going to take one of my aunties goddamn whine and drink that shit or grab a smoke from my dads car, any fucking substance. I was so set to cut today, it was going to happen for sure. But then David saved me again. He said all the right sweet stuff to say to a broken heart. Or all that shit that I wished that Jason would tell me. Made me feel like a million bucks for a sec. And I hated myself for telling him I planned to cut, but it was going to happen anyway. Id write it in this journal and if I ddidnt want him to see it id make it private. But when I did , david would be like, aye bro wassup? You don't want me reading your shit . That's not it, I just don't want him to worry. He's too great for that. Wish he was here instead of Jason. I could give my love to him. But idk what to do now. Sandy just texted me saying "its ok, ik what's wrong, I'm tired of playing games, you should give up on jason, u never noe." What on earth is that supposed to mean? Ughh fuck dis. Broken hearted. Will I go back to jason? Idk. Probably will. We drank togeher, we talked, I'm supposed to get closer, if I just leave that would be fake. Idk. I just don't know.




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