the things i should say
2012-04-22 06:52:54 (UTC)

Hey Diary, This is my first..

Hey Diary,

This is my first time switching to an online diary. I've always written my entries, but recently I haven't got the time to do it... not for the past few years. I haven't had time to do anything.

The reason why I felt like making this online diary was that I wanted somebody to talk to. For some reason, nobody makes me feel like me anymore. I don't feel like I can speak my mind, without somebody ending up getting hurt because of my words.

It's probably because of my PMS, but for some reason, I'm feeling strangely depressed. My past relationships with guys has gotten in the way of life again, and it really does make an impact on my life. I know it sounds stupid and I know that it contradicts everything I say to other girls, saying that relationships aren't important and having a boyfriend isn't all that great. Although that's not completely false, I think there's things that you can really benefit from a relationship. To be honest though, I really don't want one anymore. Every time I just get myself in a bigger hole that I have to get out of all by myself... I can't believe I'm still here in one piece, typing out all of this without teary eyes. I'm probably numb to all this, this thing called love. What the fuck is love, seriously. Do I really need it? I seriously don't know. My life's fucked up, and I'm a fucked up kid. I don't know what I'm doing.

My boyfriend's playing omgpop with Queenie as I speak. They're damn close, you know. I can't say I'm jealous, but I want a reason to yell at Josh. Just cause he's a shitty boyfriend, and he's really fucking not my type. I don't hate the guy, he just doesn't seem ideal for a boyfriend. He's not my knight in shining armor, and he's not the guy I'm looking for... Why am I still with him, you ask? It's because I, surprise surprise, fucked up again. I jumped to conclusions. This guy actually made me feel like a better person when I first met him, really. But I only admitted to 'loving' him because I was depressed after my break up with pongchong. Do I still love that guy? No. If anything, I want him to beg for my forgiveness and tell me that he wants me back. But that's not gonna happen-- because he has another girlfriend, some chick named Kelly Sio, and they seem happier than I'll ever be. She treats her a fackin million times better than he ever treated me, and it's really starting to get to me. I have to say that I did admit falling love with this guy, but that's only back then when he had his nice face on as a best friend. I never knew he would be that aggressive with me as a boyfriend.

The one I really love though, is still Chris Yip. I wonder how he's doing with his own little girlfriend. I really hope he still likes me, deep down in there... I can feel it though, sometimes. When he shows a little bit of affection towards me, I can feel my cheeks heat up, and when I see him pass me by in the hallways, I can't help but shy away. If that's not a crush, then what is? He was the only guy that I actually felt an emotional connection with, and I liked it. I loved it, really. He had the perfect balance of emotional and physical affection towards me, and it was so perfect, we clicked so well. Where did I go wrong? I still don't have the guts to ask him that.

Don't get me wrong, I've tried breaking up with Josh many, many, times. Am I sure of it? No, not every time. I know I'll regret it if I break up with him. But seriously isn't my type... I don't want a fucking ADHD guy as my boyfriend, as shallow as that sounds. It's unbearable sometimes, and his ability to get me frustrated/mad/annoyed/irritated is amazing. Not to mention that he creeps the fuck out of me sometimes. But I like the guy, I guess... well, why lie to you, I actually don't like him that way. AT ALL. He's a good friend, and he's hilarious and everything, but I really don't like him touching me sometimes, especially if he touches himself that much. (hurrhurr. true story.) He's a little TOO open. I hate how he always tries to make emotional connections between us, (along with physical, holy shit that guy needs to get the fuck off of me) and it never works. This is what I mean when I say the perfect balance of emotions. I have to force myself to say 'I love you' back most of the time, and I feel like if I don't, he takes it too seriously and goes in a corner and cries.

I'm always the guy of the relationship. ALWAYS.

But, whatever. I can't ask for too much right now. I'll just go along with life and see where it takes me. Thinking about this shit too much is gonna drive me insane, and I'm scared that I might to turn to the knife for relief.

Until next time.

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