All that is
i'm in love with alec again. it never really went. I'm not sure if i ever wrote about him or us or our 'fall out' here'. I'll have to look it up, but i think not. It was too painful at the time, much too hurtful. I remember feeling like a zombie the entire time afterwards, not really sure how or when it was to end. or when it eventually did. its so strange because that at the time seemed like the world's end. nothing else mattered. but now here i am in a situation with terrible and likely outcome, which I have good reason to equate to the world's end - my world's end. and I would do anything to have my 'fall out' with alec be the most heart wrenching, stomach curling, frightening thing to have happened to me thus far, or at the moment. all of that seems so insignificant in comparison, right now. God help me, please.
back to falling in love with alec again, i've not spoken with him or met or seen him since our last nonversations at lcc library. My internet was down at the time and i would go over to the library to try and use theirs. i'd bump into him. occasionally unintentionally. I remember the last time it happened, i tried to speak to him i walked up to his desk and said hi. he gave me a slightly sideways unwelcome look, forced, uneasy smile. it fucking hurt, i felt like an idiot and vowed never to contact him again. and i didn't. throughout the whole time we were and mash, i held a flame for him. to think he was just 4 floors below me 3f i think. i worked at reception so if i saw him pass by it would make my evenings. he was 2 yr or 1 yr and a few months younger than me as well, but he just seemed so knowing. we were friends before anything else. we had obvious chemistry, and enjoyed each others company so much. we'd spend all our time together whenever we had it. had the best conversations. then one night, we were at his and i don't know what we were doing beforehand, but we ended up lying on his bed, getting under the covers and making out. we didn't sleep together. It was the first time i had crossed that line with a friend, so i was very naive in the sense that I thought i was in safe hands. that because we were friends first, i could hold him accountable in the way I couldn't with a guy i was just getting to know. that he would respect our friendship above all else, that i didn't need to play the game that he liked me for who i was, (so i would text him liberally, whenever i felt like it) but boys will be boys. we had a mutual friend who was mediator and i remember always asking her for info he had said about me (and envying her and slightly blaming her for position and easy access to alec at the same time - every now and again i would suspect that she was glad of the fact that i wasn't talking to him anymore, and she liked him, and was secretly fuelling this gap that was growing between the two of us. if she was meeting him i'd ask her to say that i was coming too, and she always said she would but she never did) anyway and i remember asking her to ask him if we could/or wanted to be friends again. and she came back with an answer (which I felt at the time, she delivered rather unfeelingly and temporarily punished her for) she said when she asked alec if he still wanted to be friends with me, he said "no". Apparently he didn't want much to do with me anymore.
actually, now, despite all i said earlier about wanting to exchange my current situation and feeling of impending doom, for alec's coldness and my hurt at the time, his behaviour was quite harsh, even cruel. Imagine the one you were falling for, once a friend who confided in you, now confiding in someone else that they wanted nothing more to do with you, not even friendship. I think that was one of the first times i'd cried properly over a boy. and a teenager at that, at the time too. not so much over the romantic aspect, but more because a friend had said that about me/done that to me.
I remember bumping into him on brick lane a few months afterwards, and I spoke to him. I remember feeling elated at the time, hopeful. but then nothing came of it...
then one friday night, I accidentally texted him (genuinely by accident) like hi or a blank msg or something. I wasn't expecting to hear back but on the next morning, i get a text from him saying - "hi, sorry i don't know who this is..i've changed my phone was out last night x" and then so i text back, honestly and said 'it's me, sorry i didn't mean to text you, but how are you doing..' i shouldn't have. He never replied.. i expected it, and i was ready for it, but it still confirmed what i was hoping time might change - that he genuinely didn't want to know me anymore. which inevitably stung a little.
Ive not seen a pic of him in about 2 yrs or so. and the other day i did on fcbk. turns out he's part of this dj collective, that's really takin off. he's doing something with himself which i always knew would be the case - he just had this focus and this control that non of the other kids there had - and I saw his picture on this page - his hair all done, his clothes, his smile. and it all came back. i don't know what next. or maybe it's because recently i'm feeling emotionally vacant and would like that bond/connection with someone again. not just sex. it's not necessarily him i want, and i'm wise enough to know this. but it's just that when i think of a time i felt that safe and in tune with a guy, he's the one that comes to mind. Once I meet someone else who gives me that, he'll be gone maybe?
but pam and i are going to this gig next week friday, and he'll be there. I don't know what to expect. everything points to unlikely and negative. He may have a girlfriend. he may still not want to know me. i may not even get to see him or talk to him.
but what if he saw me - might that change anything?