2012-04-13 21:48:47 (UTC)

To Explain Why

From the beginning,
I never expected how
much you'd mean to me.

I remember that
day I was not expecting
to meet one good friend.

i watched solemnly
as a figure rose to his feet
those pajama pants.

blue soft cloth draped down
and glasses covered a smiling face,
"dork" all over your face!

adorable you
walked over past my table
to the library

one day, one morning
as advisory started
you walked past the desk

but i stopped you quick,
softly requested your name;
"Phil" I won't forget.

i stopped speaking though,
because i liked you so much
i feared you would fear...

be fearful of me...
i tried everything to
keep you from the truth

i even told jose
"i'm almost my own nemesis,"
hiding my feelings

i lived my life, and
did not know what it was like
to want to protect

someone i did not know.
and every day
i tried to leave you alone
i became weaker

the actual fact
was the more i hid feelings
the stronger i felt

i did not know you
but the more i avoided
the harder it was

finally i spoke
because i couldn't hide it
i want to be your friend.

rehearse mentally
for the past 4, 5 months now
how i would approach

yet when you would look
in my direction with heart
all my walls were smashed

when i look at you
i lose my thought and my speech
then i can't move me

then came my birthday,
and i was so determined
to become your friend

that i told jose
'send him this message for me'
i had no regrets

i apologize
for invoking fear in you
because i fear too

and there must be a
good damn reason you must be
seeing this haiku

i'm fed up hiding
wanting to be your friend and
failing to start it.

i am such a coward
ify said these things are meant
to happen untouched.

then it hit me too
why was i trying so hard
to be your damn friend?

nobody should work
so strenuously for a
guy who always smiles
for day and nights it posed no problems
for all i saw was a simple guy
with pajama pants and glasses too
and a good friend too, i don't know why.

but you would find it unimportant
so i tried to forget it all at first
yet a small thought stuck at the back of my mind
you being my friend could be for better or worse

and the more i ignored trying to be your friend
the more interesting you became
you know when i saw you play chess with j-hollow
i couldn't hide it anymore, i felt so lame

later on i tried to greet you
but you walked by, because you didn't hear
and i felt more discouraged than ever
and around you, i felt i couldn't be near

and i was ashamed when i sent that message
because my goal was to not scare you
i'm not sure how to be anyone's friend
and with you, i wasn't sure what i'd do

a simple 'hi' and handshake would be adequate
but that was too much for me
i'm so socially awkward it's unfair
i couldn't just leave you be.

sometimes i'm afraid of myself
and i destroy myself for simple things
i wear myself out thinking of ways
to talk to you despite the pain it brings

because i know i think, i think
but push comes to shove i never do
ify said it's so easy to make friends
all i need is to talk to you.

and it is easy, but i don't understand why
i'm so nervous to talk to you at all
and sometimes i can't sleep because
no challenge has ever presented itself this hard

that dork in pajama pants will be my friend
and one day he will understand me
and all those rumors he'll disregard
and everything he's heard, he'll let it be

maybe he'll overlook I'm gay
and become one of my closest friends
maybe he won't care who i am
as long as he's away from me, in the end.

i'm just as scared to approach you,
as you are to approach me,
because i feel you fear i'd accept you,
you feel i fear you'd reject me...

but it's the opposite though,
because i wanted to be your friend.
and all these fucked up rumors, i thought,
cut our acquaintanceship to an end.

like james and sophomores spreading rumors
lies, and shit like wildfire.
i felt so unworthy of you at the time,
and then he makes me look like a liar.

on top of that, i sit at lunch
and sometimes i eat alone
because sometimes i hope myself
you'd come up to me and break this stone

this stone wall we have put up
unknowingly, to avoid each other
and we're so misunderstood,
i want to break it to understand one another.

i can't simply say hello.
or give you a wave instead,
the first day i finally confronted you,
you don't know the inside of me was dead.

i really needed to talk to you,
so you'd see the clear image of me.
i felt so stupid for sending that message,
and freaking you out, so suddenly.

i became so embarrassed i didn't know what to say.
except that i wanted to be your friend.
and i know you're even more creeped out now
but the truth, for you, i couldn't bend.

i feel myself sometimes slowly dying.
and jose and ify tell me, 'go ahead! do it!'
and then i disappoint myself in the end
because the piece of this puzzle didn't exactly fit.

now i sit at lunch and think
he will never be my friend.
after all the shit he's heard, i put him through,
he won't even try to mend.

i have one secret though
as i entered the library
jose and a junior named adrian
are who i consider my friends, fairly

i went to use the washroom
and came back to a surprise
they were looking through my grades
and jose stared at me with humor eyes

and i felt so humiliated
and i started telling them to get off my grades
without hesitation they closed windows,
but it was a bit too late

i felt so stupid, so stupid, so dumb,
because these juniors have a's and b's.
i'm so stupid, i felt like crying,,
jose stared at my trembling knees.

he felt bad and offered me something
to look through your grades as well
and i told him no! jose, i can't do that
and he said, "he has nothing to hide, i can tell."

and i'm like, then just tell me, i don't want to freak him out.
and he told me every quarter you had straight a's.
and i said that was impossible,
but when i looked, i was completely fazed.

so many ap classes, i stared in shock.
i felt more stupid, more dumb, more blocked,
i ran downstairs and i couldn't move,
couldn't look or couldn't talk.

jose blew up my phone
and apologized so emotionally
and all i could do was cry
because never have i felt so helplessly.

you don't understand at all,
the impact that you have.
you're just everything that
as a friend, i'd want to brag.

but i'm not, because i can't.
i don't deserve to be,
after all these work to not creep you out,
i ended up freaking you out quite terribly.

and i'm sorry for everything i hid,
and i'm sorry for hiding it,
and i'm sorry for trying to be your friend,
i promise it won't happen again.

i'm sorry it's so hard for me,
and i'm sorry i freaked you out.
i'm sorry i can't be normal,
and i want to tell you everything about,
in short, if you've read this whole thing,
i wanted to let you know that yes, i did want to be your friend.
a rumor that i liked you was misunderstood because
i said i liked you, but was taken as more of the
'i want a relationship with you' rumor. except,
that wasn't i wanted, everyone assumed that i liked you like that
just because i was gay.

and it hurt a lot because during that time i didn't really know you.
but i wanted to know you, and everyone weaved all this bull about me wanting to have you, loving you, etc.

the only time i stepped out of place in pressure was the message i sent you, and i regret that message so wholeheartedly. and even now, i'm so broken...i'm so broken because i still don't have that amazing courage to just go up to you and be your friend, it's like for some reason you not being my friend doesn't feel right and i feel stupid because i tell myself no, no, no. that will just scare him more. and sometimes i convince myself it's worth the shot but i know deep inside you wouldn't accept me. and i'm tired of walking by you in the halls looking at my feet pretending i didn't see you when every day it gets harder.

every day, it gets harder. because i know that just that ONE time i talked to you has pulled me out of many situations that i was nervous and felt if i couldn't do, because i finally asked you If I could talk to you, and that gave me so much more hope in myself.

when you told me, "just find you in lunch." but it's not so simple, because i do find you in lunch. except my mind is a bunch of scribbles. scribbles i don't want to say because again, i'm afraid of everyone. and i'm sorry for that. so much. i can't take back what i did...and i am sorry if sometimes you are scared to approach me,

yeah, i know how it feels. i can't do this by myself.
i can't do anything, start anything by myself.
i'm so awkward and weird and a creepy freshman.
yeah i know. i'm sorry....i'm sorry....

i don't know what else to say except for apologize,
and maybe you understand why i'm so hopeless.
although i seem altogether and outgoing and well-known,
i'm so lost inside. and it's actually you that i feel
that maybe i can be myself around.
i don't know that for sure...i don't know anything for sure.
the message i sent you i actually wasn't sure.
i don't know much about you,

except you're that guy with the cool pants than anjan talks to, and you like to play chess. i only know which one of my friends sent you the crush can, and why anjan switched glasses with you that day. i didn't mean to send you the whole "i've been watching you" was merely because i was and am still just as freaked out as you are about how many times our paths cross by accident.

i asked you for your name in the library...then i added you on fb.
you never accepted, but i noticed you had accepted ify because ify told me and i was happy for him but it was a hammer to my heart...and then next jose went and told me you had added him too and i was happy. i wasn't jealous because i understand. you didn't know me....

and now you know why it is difficult for me to take a step into being friends with you. it's because...i don't know how. so maybe all this complex shit will be over by then and we can be friends and i can stop making such a big deal out of small things.

maybe then, maybe then.

at this point, in the entry, i will probably be looking away, or looking down, or sitting next to you on the floor somewhere i can't make eye contact.

if you choose to be my friend, do something no one would ever expect. like, pat me or something. lol.
if you still feel uncomfortable as to everything i told you and are creeped out, you are welcome to leave...
if you're not sure,

well. you're not the only one.