Jack's Twisted Kingdom
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2012-03-24 17:54:34 (UTC)

lethargic impulse

Why me? That right there exemplifies the folly of rubric impulses primarily regarding the state of mind that the lazed melancholy masses (of which I seem to be a permanent voting member) lucidly hang onto as if somehow, someone else gives a shit. they don't. the further away you are from whatever epicenter you've latched onto as a social nexus, the less you matter, the less you exert some ephemeral impulse, the less you care about it. Going so far as to recreate a new reality, inserting yourself into it, and hoping for the best. It's not going well. Such, is life. As they say.

For nigh on 3 solid months I've been sick, ridiculously so, and just when I thought I was over one, another leaped from that terrible hell, and then again. Right now, I'm fine, well, I'm better, my throat doesn't feel like raw brill pads at least. Got my hair cut yesterday, went to sleep at 5pm. today, looks like 5pm is when I'll hit the sack too. I'm hoping by next friday I'll be going to sleep by 10pm, then I'll be on a normal sleep schedule. one can hope.

Another month. 5 to go. I'm stressed to hell. I have little in the way of support, I seem to be able to rely on exactly no one, and people aren't returning my calls. Always a bad sign. I seem to be falling behind more and more, I need a break, just, something to go right for me, if I manage to survive to september unscathed I'll be impressed. but it's getting harder. I'm so ridiculously broke, I can't even afford to pay for my cel phone, and it's only $35 a month. it was the phone or a hair cut and to be fair, my hair was getting out of control. honestly. this is fucking ridiculous. not sure how I'll manage. but I will. through sheer force of will. the temptation to, let loose has been stifled, yet again, I'm really hating all this. I shouldn't be living this way. it's unhealthy, and I can feel it getting slowly worse. encroaching on. something else.

I'm just going to pray something goes right soon. or I may prey on something else.