this is it.
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2012-03-18 13:48:57 (UTC)

why i act the way i act

This is me trying to explain to a new ex boyfriend that loves me, about me. we broke up bcoz he lives 3 hours away from me and we are both doing school. i had sex with someone, i was the first out of us to do it with someone new. i felt so terrible and confused and this is me.

you dont know how much i wish i had someone i could just talk to and tell everything, absolutely everything tahts ever happened to me and what im thinking and why i cant sleep sometimes and just how sad i get and how alone i always am. i dont have a best friend and i hate telling ppl bad or sad things bcoz i dont want to bring them down but its so hard being so happy all the time. ivejust camne to the solution of ignoring everything but its still always there. i just want to be held sometime and just cry and cyr and cry and let out all the tears iv just held back. and for them to care. ian fucked me worse then anyone thinks and still i have no one,
i dont tell you all these terrible things bcoz i dont want sympathy and i dont want someone to listen when they really dont want to and i dont want my burden to be spread. but just for a hour, just once, i just want to be held and listened to and not alone for once. this wall iv built has lkept me apart from a real friendship. i havnt had a d'n'm since i was 15 years old.

i hate feeling. usually i can stop myself from feeling and ignore things and i simply do not feel, which ends up feeling numb which i peaceful, but sometimes it just to hard to hide and i feel so terrible and confused for fucking that guy. i was just so lonely and i didnt want to be alone on a saturday night again so i said yes to going to the pub with him coz loise pulled out. i half knew i think that it would be hard to keep him off me, but iv been so lonely that i just acted oblivious.
all i want to do is just move away into the mountains of no where with my cat and dog and just be there alone forever.
im too scared now to let anyone close to me bcoz i cant handle to ever feel the way i did how he made me feel, and now im left so lonely. i dont no what im saying

you are just the only one i can say this to, yet i dogged you so bad. i just hate the thought of how im going to have to wake up tomor and put on a big smile and be full of energy and fun. i dont want someone to ask if im alright bcz ill say yes and make a joke out of it and brush it off like nothing.
im so fucked up and its ruining everything eve as much as i try to forget.
i dont know what i doing. that guy i fucked, in his shed they had the same toilet air freshener as the toilet in the house i lived in geelong. it was so scary bcoz smell is my best memory booster.

so i dunno. its the reason i do things how i do things. ive never let you close enough bcoz i knew from the start u lived in geelong and i in port fairy, but ur the closest. i love you and if we could be together, properly then i would let you in and i would open myself regardless of the hurt that may come. but until then im still cautious. i dont want to hang on to you only to find out that we will never be together. and so im being smart this time and building a life down here so that if you leave me for good then ill still have a world and life and ill have something. and soi im so confused as wat i am doing becoz half of me is terrified and the other half is dedicated to you.
i dont no

there is just so much i want to say but theres this voice in my head that tells me to stop and not to bcoz u dont care or its just not right. so i stop and delete. i do that in every day life. this voice in my head telling me to stop and start.
i am the only person who has ever always been there for me and so i trust myself and feel safe within myself, but its a stupid thing bcoz im not someone. i dont have diffferent thoughts or interperet things in a different veiw,
basically i wish i wasnt so alone. i wish you lived here or i there, i just wish i had you to cuddle me and to care about me. i wish i had a mother and a father and tessa and a brother and sisters and friends and gossip and trust and a life that i feel like im meant to be in, not intruding, i wish i had a home and i wish that the future wasnt so black for me sometimes. i wish i still felt and had all the emotions i usedd to have instead of built up burts of them like this. i wish i felt like i was wanted and needed. i wish i had a home so so much. i wish i had you all the time and i wish that i wouldnt question every single thing i did and i wish i could just stop being scared.

i wish i wasnt a stranger. i wish i could look at my friends list and not have to decifer what part of my life they are from. i wish i didnt care so much. i wish i had weed so that i could just numb myself and make everything better and then i wouldnt be annoying you and this would never had happened. i wouldnt feel lonelu becoz i was too high and i wouldnt pathetically seek human comfort.
you know how bad it got in geelong. have you ever been forced to make peace with yourself and be prepaed to die at someone else hand? to actually have no other control over your life then to just try and except that it may be over soon?

the only person that was there was me. the person i loved and left my entire life for and trusted. i had to stop being scraed and i remeber saying to myself, "im not going to let this bastard take everything from me right to the end. i dont care if i die today, at least this will all be over. i do not care, i am ready to die" he would be so angry with me all the time and then he would be all sweet and nice and act like the person i loved, but it becae so infrequent that it was only every little while and only for moments... and i would be soo happy that he was being nice to me then he woukl get angry again and strangle me and yell at me and tell me he hated me and wanted me gone or dead im a stupid ugly little slut and i shouldnt have done what i did to make him angry. it would be something like, he ran out of money after he spent all his and mine doll money on smokes and petrol and then he wouldnt have a smoke and he would be furious until he had a cigarette. he used to try and convince me to do a double suicide with him. sit in the car and run it while a hose is conectted to the exhaust and then into the window and we would breathe it in and eventualy die.
after he would hurt me and i would end up on the floor or the furthest point away from him crying and trying to get away from reach he would beg for forgivness and cry and say he wants to kill himself.
I decided one time, when he is nice i will not take it to heart so that when he is him again and cruel, then it wouldnt hurt me and break my heart over and over again. physical pain didnt hurt me anymore. he could scream the ugliest words in my face and it didnt even make me flicker. it was nice not to care becoz it stopped hurting. before this i had like 4 major break downs and sometimes my nose would bleed heaps or i would get a rash all over my body starting from my chest and how i felt, it was, its unable to explain. just the hopelessness. i had no where to go. no one to talk to. no family or friends or somewhere safe or anything.

when i eventually got a job and was making $600 a week, he wouold take everything. and i would get my enough weed as i needed and thats its. i was sick for 13 months and he wouldnt take me to the doctors. i didnt have any proper make up or straughtener or clothes or anything. i didnt have skin tablets or anything. he told me if i ever got fat he wouldnt love me and he would get angry if i spoke to any of the family and bcoz when he was angry it meant i would be the object that he would use to filter his anger on, i did anything and everything to make him happy. he was fucking chicks and telling me abouut it. and i would lie there next to him listening to him tell me about how he fucked this chick last night and how beauitiful and hot she was. then he would fuck me.
with him it was sex or head job or die. every. single. time. he and i slept in the same bed he came. if i didnt fuck him it would make him angry. if i wasnt in the mood or sore then he'd put it in my mouth. so sex was better coz he was scary with head jobs.

how fucked up is that? the only way i survived was that i adapted and devolped a mind frame that wasnt there. bear grylls saved me bcoz i would watch him and it would remind me of when i did scouts and was happy and i would dream about leaving ian and running away to one of these deserted places bear went.
I wouldnt care what he did and i would dream about a happy place that kept me warm when i was cold. i would comfort myself. i was smoking so much weed i could eventually start talking to myself in a different person way. i could answer myself and reason with myself and comfort and tell myself what to do.

imagine that as just the bare tip of the iceburg. thats only a few examples. how do you think that would effect me in the aftermath? thats why im so unsure of everyone and why im trying to be smart and why i am who i am now, a fucking good actor.

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