Am I coming or going?
Don’t really know whether I am coming or going. It is like I am in a trance. The wife is saying we live together but we can never connect again and she is happy for me to see whoever I want to see and she has no loyalty to me. She is also planning short 9SOLO) weekend breaks. I am not sure I can stand that. In the house we speak normally as if everything is well but I don’t know how long I can continue this double life for. I have done wrong but there is a story behind that. I am also very angry. Angry that I have been deprived the love of a wife for far too long. I really don’t know how realistic she is. She shut herself from me for a long time, and yet she says she is the kind of girl that can’t over look any straying from her husband. She just can’t connect to the person again. It beggars the question if you are like that doesn’t it then make sense to please your husband? Instead you decide to detach yourself even if it was for the right reasons and then embark on “harmless” relationships with male colleagues at work I feel cheated and deprived all these while I have never enjoyed the comfort of having a loving wife some of it my fault I have to admit (I will come to that) and it doesn’t excuse my behaviour (regarding finance and infidelity). I believe that because we use to argue a lot at the start of our relationship I decided to quit the argument by agreeing to whatever is being said or just circumvent it. That was a very big mistake. I should have stood my ground on values that were important to me instead I let it fester and now probably to late. Being a wife cannot be easy but my wife doesn’t even know the meaning of that. A testament to that is that now that she has withdrawn from me there is absolutely nothing physically or emotionally that has changed in term of what I receive. She wasn’t kissing, cooking, loving, and having sex (the list goes on) with me in recent times anyway so I am not missing anything.
I have to be wise and ensure that I don’t detach and get angry over this as the marriage is on a shoe string. Any small shift it will all come crashing down. I just have to apply wisdom and with time hopefully the damage will be repaired. It will not be easy as I will have to mention a lot of things I am very unhappy about.