AMO

AMO's Journal
2012-03-12 11:37:03 (UTC)

Bad mood

Ok, so, here we are, a very long time since I last wrote in my diary.... big surprise I never write anymore. I never do anything for myself, I'm too busy trying to do exactly what is expect of me by him.

So, I'm pregnant, going on 5 weeks, very early on. He won't quit smoking, but I'm expected to. Even though him smoking not only effects his health but mine, Libby's and the babies as well. But I can make sacrafices and changes all day long, he won't. It's all about what HE wants, what HE needs and HIM getting instant gratification.

I've asked countless number of times if he would watch Fanboys with me, but he refuses. I've asked him countless number of times for him to play chinese checkers with me, and he did once, three months ago. But no, he can't do that again either. doesn't matter HOW happy it would make me, doesn't matter HOW much it would show me I mean to him, he doesn't want to, so he doesn't.

I've also asked countless numbers of times for help. Just flat out need help. Help figuring out bills and "to do's' and with chores around the house. He's not working, has no job, and I still had every single chore I normally have to do on the weekend. What's wrong with this picture?! He keeps saying he'll do anything I need him to, to help me out. So I give him a chance of paying bills, and he doesn't pay them for almost a fucking month. Not until I remind him again.... hello?!?! It isn't taking a god damn thing off my plate if I have to REMIND you.

I've asked him to help me hang up clothes repeatedly over the past year, he's helped me once. Even though I've expressed that it KILLS my back to do so, and that I NEED help, he doesn't help me. You know, he gets pissed off that I don't ask for help, it's like, "I do ask for help dude, you just don't WANT to help with the things I actually need help with"

Every single night, I sweat my ass off, sleep horribly and have to deal with him rolling onto me, snoring in my ear and elbowing me at least once a night. I would love nothing more than to have the AC on, so I could get a decent night's sleep (been going on over a month without) but I don't, I sweat my ass off so I don't face the wrath of Richard in the morning when he's pissed. Granted, he's had to face my wrath lately. But I'm fucking fed up.

I do SO much for him, bend over backwards for him, have to be responsible for SO many things, and I'm the one that's fucking knocked up and needs some goddamn help. He "plays" with me, but it's not funny, its hurtful. He "jokes" about him doing nothing during the week and being upset when his schedule fills up, but sorry dude, you don't work, everything around the house etc is now YOUR responsibility. But no, if I say that, I'll get in trouble, the only things that are his responsiblity are the things HE deems worthy of his time and attention. Things to make me happy (that he doesn't want to do) certainly don't make the list. He'll do things to make me happy, if it is something he WANTS to do. Buying me the Adele CD on itunes, yes, sweet, nice, but isn't what I'm TELLING him I need.

I don't know how much more clear I can make it. I have flat out told him repeatedly, exactly what I want, what I need from him, and he refuses to give it to me because that's not what he wants to give me.

What I think makes this even more difficult, I have no one I can talk to about it. Other than my lovely little diary. Susan thinks Richard is a perfect man. I've told her all the things I WISH he would have said in various situations instead of what he actually said or did. Not very honest, and not very helpful, but because I know she is the one person who can make me look at things openly and objectively and honestly.... I don't want her to know how horrible our relationship really is, because I don't want her to suggest I leave. Because I know I should, but leaving isn't easy.

He'll never change. The only time he ever treated me any differently was when we first got back together before he moved in. The first three months we were together was amazing. He treated me like what I said mattered, what I wanted mattered, what I needed mattered. But now that he's "got me" it's like he just doesn't give a shit anymore.




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