Jack's Twisted Kingdom
2012-02-26 15:38:37 (UTC)

rain, more rain

I went out on a date yesterday. raver/punk/hippie kind of girl, bit nerdy, bit geeky, definitively crazy (not psycho crazy, but pleasantly neurotic without being nutty as a coo-coo clock), nice enough, pretty, I really liked her. nice enough girl though, not her fault. we walked around the "drive" for a bit, hit a bookstore, and a thrift shop, laughed a bit, joked around a bit, hit a music store, had cafe. I walked her to ze skytrain and said "adieu!"

see. about halfway through our quiet date, I realized, there wouldn't be a second date. it wasn't her, it was me, I simply came to the realization, I didn't want to date, anyone, it wasn't even her. I'm in this depressive funk, and it's really debilitating. I was perusing through old lj and facebook archives I've got and doing a bit of stalking old people I used to know, and such and I realize that this point in my life, is, rather empty. void. bereft of any meaning.

I don't know what I'm doing. other than nothing. I feel like I'm trapped in cage without bars. I do nothing. I go nowhere. had a pair of interviews the other day, neither were hiring me, I wasn't what they were looking for. over qualified, too scary wearing black, I aught to get a hair cut, that'll help that. I dunno. something, but I knew having left through the door, even though I was smiling and saying "hope to hear from you soon!", inevitability was setting in. sigh. its this bizarre catch 22, I need a full time job to get out of the funk, but I can't get out of the funk without a job so I can go do, anything. school is next january possibly sooner if possible, but unlikely.

I know that I don't want to be here. this apartment. this city, this country. I'm not happy. I hate being alone. but wherever I go, there I am. it's a sobering thought to realize you can't run away from yourself. it's just, I've known this for years and I keep trying to change, and its just like I'm beating my head into a brick wall. blah

I mean, it's not like I don't have a goal, or a desire for things to be better. I want to go to school, fuck I've been trying for so long to do it. and then I screwed the pooch in september by leaping on another thing I wanted to do with zero regard for how reasonable or how likely the outcome of it was. I know now, that yes, I do want to get into textiles and fashion design, but I want to come at it from a design aspect, not as a production aspect. I want to go to japan for a year or two or three and teach english to start, and then get into more fulfilling later, I want to sell real-estate, I want to run my own business. I can do these things. I just need to jump the hurdle, which is paying off my student loan tuition interest, which is what I should have just done in september, I severely wish I hadn't jumped off the rails.

but it is what is. the plan hasn't changed. university for the next 3 years at minimum. I'll get an associates degree in marketing/business admin, and then I'll spend a year doing all the real-estate courses I need to get licensed to do so. I'll spend a year doing just that, selling real-estate, if I can't break through, or I find I don't like it, then the option to go back to university is still there for another two years and then off to japan with a full bachelors in hand, there's no reason I couldn't do a masters while I'm there either, having spent the last month doing quite a bit of research on it, I don't know if it's reasonable, but it's not impossible. hell, I might not ever like japan. which is possible.

I'm trying to be optimistic, and I'm trying to be possitive. but damn, does my brain not like that. ah well. september or sooner, I'll be going to Capilano U or Camosun U, I've got plenty of time to sort that out. either way, it'll be interesting. I just hope I don't jump off the rails again, but I don't think I will. this time.