whoamiagain

My Life as it is.
2012-02-23 22:14:14 (UTC)

Suffication, no breathing, don't give a fuck if oI cut my arm bleeding.

I.
Am.
Dead.
Meat.

I went to go see a dermatologist today, and I'm going to be on Accutane soon. Thing is, I need blood tests done, TOMORROW. Tomorrow night. Please kill me now. I'm not even joking. This is driving me insane. I wanna cry, puke, run away. If my mom finds out about the pot, she'll be on my back even more now. And seeing as I last took pot YESTERDAY, there are big chances that they can find it.

It happened to some kid at my school. He went to get his blood checked to see what was wrong with him, and they found Marijuana in his system, they even called his parents to tell them.

I.
Am.
Scared.
Shitless.

Normally, kids would be like, ohh okay, I'll get in SO MUCH SHIT.
Thing is, I don't care about getting in shit. It's just the fact that my mom'll make a big deal out of it. And I honestly don't care, cause if they find it, I'm probably gonna be offline for a while, have no phone, and then what? I don't have a lot of good things. If she takes seeing my friends away, I substract school to make up in lost time. Then hell will break loss..

I'm not worried about what'll happen, I'm worried about what'll happen to me. Thing is, I know it'll be a downward spiral for ME more than anyone else. I'll go crazy. Legit, I will..

I'm honestly scared of myself more than anything else. It's what's always in my mind.

That detention lady at school, I don't wanna disappoint her, my mom I truthfully don't give a fuck about.

It's sad, right? When a kid can communicate more with her detention lady than her actual mother. It's not my fault. My mom makes herself seem like she was the perfect student, daughter, everything. Even though she's admitted to having tried pot twice as a teenager, she still doesn't understand what it's like I think.

She doesn't get me anymore. She doesn't want to get me. She wants me to go back to the way I was, being good, always following others, being afraid of what everyone thinks. And sometimes even I wish I were still like that.. In some ways. In others, I hate the old me. But I don't like this me either.

I sound like some psychotic freak when I talk like this. There's something wrong with me. I have a disease or something, about being overly obsessed about my life, and myself. It's getting really fucked up. I don't know myself anymore, and I don't know how to find myself, at all.

I probably won't sleep all night now..

Anyways, fuck this shit..

Renee xo.




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