February 24, 2012
Today I went to my boss's wife's funeral. It was really sad to see someone lose their spouse of 34 years. I always wonder how Matt would react if something were to happen to me. I know I would be a mess, but thats because half of the time I already am a mess. But honestly, I think if something were to happen to me because of lupus or something else that was wrong, Matt wouldn't see it coming. First of all, because he knows NOTHING about lupus. He thinks everything I say is overexaggerated. When others ask him about lupus, he doesn't even know what to say, because he truly doesn't know anything about lupus. I don't think he has ever typed it into the search engine on any of his computers. I think anything I have sent him, has gone right to the trash folder. Matt acts like its this disease that is completely inactive and has been cured like cancer. However, little does he know that every day I deal with it. It may be small stuff, but I go to bed early when my joints are hurting. He just thinks I am being lazy or an old lady. Yes I am being both, because I have to or else that aching will perpetuate and could possibly become something bigger. He doesn't realize that I am avoiding the something bigger.
My neck constantly becomes tight and hurts a lot. When I asked him for a massage tonight he looked at me then went back to watching television. It hurts when he does that, because honestly every time he is sick, hurt or more often hung over. I grab him advil, water, a heating pad or a cold pack. No questions asked. I know what its like to hurt and continue to hurt until I do something about it. Because that is pretty much the name of our relationship. He will only jump into action if I begin to cry or complain about it. Then I hear the outpour of excuses, which is mainly that I am always asking for a neck massage. YES I AM. MY NECK ALWAYS FUCKING HURTS YOU ASSHOLE. I don't just ask for the hell of it. And most times I don't even ask because I know its more effort for me to ask then just to live with it.
It's things like this that irritate me and make me wonder: "Did I stay with him because it was easy or comfotable?" I like to think not. Because I do love him. But then again I begin to question if I love him more than he loves me back. He does stuff for me that is sweet, but there is always a "Do I get a thank you later... wink wink nudge nudge. " Talk about wanting to not ever have sex with someone. Every nice thing he does has a price tag. I tell him I really would like a Northface jacket. He never even thinks about it, I find a men's one on sale and tell him he should get it. He never says, oh hey did they have women's one on sale. Lets look for you. No he checks out the softball section and hunting sections. We go to the outlet mall, he buys more shit than I do. I never say anything because then its like I am the emotional being and god forbid I be that emotional being.
Now I am pregnant. If I am slightly emotional or if I speak my mind. He asks if its the hormones from being pregnant. Yes hunny all women become irrational crazy bitches... no retard, women have to deal with the fact that they know and will have to become mature responsible beings while there husbands continue to convince themselves that the are mature or responsible when in fact they are not.
I think most men do not realize how selfish they are. Girls woo over them and do what they feel is necessary to get them. Then they have to compete with their mother's who always doted on them (matt thinks he cut the cord a long time ago, unfortunately he is wrong. When your mom monitors almost all your moves, you are still allowing her that mother role where she takes care of you. Matt's parents help out a lot, but often times its too much. Most people have dogs that will stay in their cage for a full work day, not ours because matt's parents decided thats too long. Whatever. I am ranting because honestly I am fed up with him right now.
Earlier he said I was wrong for saying that going to PIB for xmas in July was immature. I am sorry you have a kid on the way. Partying like its spring break in college and getting drunk and having drunk chicks show you their boobs, does not exactly sound mature. It may sound fun to some people, but honestly is that mature? I don't think so. Matt will never get over that. This baby coming has been tragic to him, he can't go to PIB, South Dakota or do whatever he wants anymore. But don't worry I am adjusting just fine. I finally finished school and wanted to vacation, do fun things I never had the money or time to do and instead have been working or obligated to be around to work for 5-6 days per week. And don't worry Matt paid for his own slug barrel, north face, softball mitt, sofas, my car, etc. I am not trying to create a pity party for myself, but there will be a lot to adjust to with this baby coming. I am excited and totally willing to change all my plans and lifestyle for it, but Matt does not even realize this. He talks about all the things he can't do because I said so. What about all the things I can't do because it is the right choice to create a healthy baby? I don't care about drinking because honestly I am not a drinker. But last weekend I didn't go see my friends because I was nauseous and tired and I knew they would want to drink and I can't. I don't need pop but sometimes I crave it, if I have a sip its not going to do anything bad, but I will hear about it from Mr. Perfect. Soon I will be a house, when I have been wanting to become skinny but felt too tired after working to work out. Matt says I make excuses and maybe I do. But I am on my feet most of the day and when I come home often my legs feel fatigued and achey. Those symptoms don't exist though. Soon I will have to wake up with the baby while he sleeps through her/his crying. Soon I will have to worry about student loan payments as I am unable to work. Matt's little sacrifices seem so huge to him but thats because he hasn't gotten past himself to realize that he isn't the only one sacrificing.
I guess I needed to just vent. Maybe this will help me get through our relationship. But honestly there are days where I feel like if I were trapped in a padded room, I would get more feedback without exerting so much energy. I guess I just get tired of the same old song and dance. I just wish I knew one way or another if he would one day pay attention to everything I feel like I am screaming now.