MinikuiChibi

An Ugly Girl / An Ugly Life
2012-02-23 15:55:01 (UTC)

Weight

"Everything is 100% based on looks. Sure, people can say they don't care and they want someone with a good personality instead, but that's a lie. Looks are the only thing people ever focus on."
My friend was chatting to me nonsensically while walking me to class. I tuned out most of what he was saying, but this specific topic stopped me cold in my tracks.
Had he really just said that? Does he really mean that?
I questioned him further, dissecting his opinion. He said he'd rather date a 'hot' bitchy girl than an 'ugly' selfless person.
Maybe that's how the world actually works. Maybe I've been blinding myself, wishing that I could find someone who would like me for personality alone.
Though I really don't have personality, either.
I wish Kyle knew what was going on with me. I wish he knew I stopped eating breakfast, lunch, and occasionally dinner. It really depends on the day, and how I feel. I wish he knew how dizzy I am right now, from loss of nutrition, or something. I wish he knew I've fainted before. That I hate myself. That whenever I look in the mirror, ugly stares me in the face.
But he doesn't know, and he probably won't know. I'm not going to go around and talk about my problems to people... I'm fine, really. I just want to lose some weight.
Maybe I am losing some pounds. Someone guessed my weight today as 90 lbs. I wish. If I was 90 lbs, I doubt I'd be so upset about how I look.
Skinny people always have the better end of things. I've learned now that that's just what the universe favors.
Skinny with a beautiful face. That's all that people care about, really. Or, at least, that's what my friend thinks. Who knows? I bet Kyle's right.
Again, the sinking feeling of disgust looms over my head. It's awful; worse than I ever thought possible.
Hopefully, one of these days I'll feel better about myself. I'll wrap my arms around my body and smile. I'll finally love who I am.




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