sadgirl2442

My life
2012-02-14 02:04:01 (UTC)

Everyday is a struggle. I have..

Everyday is a struggle. I have really bad trust issues. I have really bad people issues. Everyone hates me. I know it's true. I hate everyone too. Starting with myself. I'm fat. I'm ugly. I'm a liar. I'm going to hell. I don't want to live anymore. I'm not smart. I'm not athletic. I'm not trustworthy. Why live is you can't go by those values. The ymca dosen't deserve me. i just want to isolate myself. Better yet i just want to die. No one deserves me.No one at all. What happened to me ?Why do i bother. I lie to myself and others. Then i realize that im wrong like always. Then i tell the truth and no one believes me. Why do i hurt people? Why do i hurt myself? Why do i try to push away people that are trying to help me? I don't know. I just want to die. If i die I won't have to hurt anyone anymore. Never again. I'm afraid though. Not of dying. But of what my mother will become once I'm gone. Will she go depressed too ? I can't let her go through the same pain im going through. I feel that it's necessary for me to switch school for this pain to end. I don't feel anything, anymore.I just want to leave this planet. This planet where life roams around. The definition of life is ' a way of living' if this is the way people call normal living, then i don't want to be here at all. I dead to everyone. I would leave, right now, if it weren't for my mother. I can't let her give up. It's not her fault. She had to stay strong for my brothers and Tracy. The only people I love. They have to stay strong.

Mother...Mommy, you are precious to me. But i cannot live like this. But you have to stay strong when im gone. For Ethan, Gavin and Tracy. They love you and you love them. I will always be with you. Always. Love you so much. It's not ever going to be your fault i ended up this way, the fault is mine. Don't beat yourself about this. Im actually in a happier place. I cannot feel pain.

Tracy...OM...Mom, I love you so much. You are everything that a child can wish as a stepmom. Thank you for everything. You gave me inspiration and confidante. But it's other that brought that confidence down. I love you. Don't ever ever forget that.

Ethan...my little brother, I may not show it but i care about you. I've cared about you forever. When you're sad or mad. Happy or surprised. I've always cared. I just don't show it because, well, im your older sister. I have always love you and watch out for mom and Tracy. It will be really hard on them. Love you Ethan and don't ever forget that, i will always be with you.

Gavin... my little munchkin, Gavin i've acted forever that i dont care. But i do. You my littlest bro. You are smart. Don't ever let anyone tell you differently. Make mommy proud. Make her smile. She's going to need it. Remind her that it isnt her fault. Tell her that you love her. And when you become successful in life, remember me. Because i will never forget you. I love you and i will always be with you.

My ymca fam, I love you guys. I'm sorry. It's selfish of me. But i have to do this. Thanks for being there for me. You guys know who you are. For listening. I'm sorry for any pain i may have caused. I shouldn't have gotten so attached. Im sorry. Love you all.

Goodbye.
sadgirl2442




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