Confessions of madness
2012-02-13 23:11:13 (UTC)

The more I try to look for..

The more I try to look for myself the more lost I become.

My life has become.. I don't think I can end that sentence.

Have you ever had that feeling when you look someone in the face, someone so close and can't see who they are? Everyday with my mother is like that. She once said to me when her mother went into a home due to her dementia "Seeing her like that, it was like she wasn't my mother anymore. I want my mummy back". Everyday I quietly say that under my breath as she tries to escape, slits her wrists, overdoses. Everyday.

I keep looking through my phonebook and friends lists, hoping I'll find one person to talk to, to cry on, to just let everything go. I have noone. The few people I've talked to before about her now seem to not care. They'll listen but you can tell theyre just thinking about what they want to complain about with their own lives, thinking "why hasn't she just got used to it?". I tell people that I am used to it, I'm not. Everytime I think about what shes thinking about, I break down.

People keep saying "You know she still loves you whatever the problem"

I know she loves me, the way a mother loves her offspring of course she loves me. I just wish she still cared about her children.

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