Ms. R

Assimilated
2012-02-12 04:08:10 (UTC)

251st Entry - 2/11/12

First let me say that my ex's girlfriend passed away on Monday. She hung on for quite awhile but she went in her sleep so that was a mercy anyway. I got my bed because of her and now when I get in it, I think of her. RIP, D.

I know what people think of snoops. I am not a snoop, although, technically I guess I can qualify. I will explain.

I have an e-mail account attached to Ron's and I forgot my password. In order to get it, I had to sign into HIS e-mail. I didn't know the password so I asked him to sign in for me, which he did. So I went into the account and got my password. But after that, his mail was sitting there on the screen. I saw this letter....looked like a scam e-mail from some dating site. I thought I would get a kick out of it so I clicked on it. But it wasn't what I thought it was....it was a response to HIM from someone that wanted to meet him. I got a knot in my stomach. Then I scrolled down and saw more letters. And, yes, I read them. I couldn't believe what I was reading. He wanted to meet A MAN...and he wanted to meet him at his store on a Sunday when he was working alone (store isn't open on Sundays but he goes in to do stockwork). Told the guy to bring lube and that he wanted to suck his cock and then have him bend him over the table.

I was in shock. My stomach was in a knot. So I went in the other room and confronted him with what I had read. First he told me he didn't know what I was talking about....till I showed him the letter in his account. Then he said I shouldn't be nosy and it didn't concern me. WTF??? Now I realize we aren't married and I suppose I technically don't have any claim on him but at the very least, if he were screwing around, he could get an STD...AIDS at the worst! I didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything. For the rest of the night I sat in my chair and couldn't do anything but think.

I had a hard time falling asleep...every word I read in those e-mails kept running through my mind. How could I compete with a man? What was the whole thing all about. How long has he been living on the down low? I kinda suspected SOMETHING but nothing like this.

In the morning, he came over to me while I was sleeping and started rubbing my back. I was sad, but I let him...it felt good...I needed him to touch me. After a little while, I turned over and asked him if he loved me. He said yes. I was honest with him....told him I was scared....told him I couldn't satisfy him that way. He told me I wasn't to worry about it....that it had nothing to do with me and that he wasn't going anywhere and that I wasn't going anywhere. I told him I loved him and he said he knew and that was why I was here with him. I told him I never cheated on him and he said he has never cheated on me. He referenced one of the letters I read...said he would meet the guy last Sunday. He said to remember he didn't go to the store last Sunday, which he didn't. I had forgotten that but it didn't make sense. He said he would never cheat on me and that I shouldn't worry about anything. I cried...he held me, kissed me. Then we went out like we always do on Saturdays to breakfast and grocery shopping.

I want to trust him. I don't really understand what was going on. I don't understand being on the down low. I know he isn't gay. I know its not a gay thing. And in the back of my mind, I am still concerned.

Tomorrow is Sunday and he will be going to work. I need to know that he is not lying to me. So I will still access his e-mail (he changed the password but I never signed out of it and I am leaving my computer in sleep mode instead of shutting it down)until I know for sure that he isn't seeing anyone and putting me at a health risk, if for no other reason. I don't like doing this but I don't see that I have much choice. They say you cant love without trust. Well, I do love him but I need to know more. And I hope I don't ever see another of those letters in his mail. But if I do, he will know that I know. And if I don't, I will have to trust that he is telling me the truth and not using another e-mail address.

Thats all for now. I need to get some sleep. I need to be with him. I need to hold him....need to be held by him.

I used to put a song lyric at the end of my entries. I think I will start that again. And the perfect one for THIS time is also my ringtone for Ron...if only he knew. He obviously doesnt hear it.


You can make me cry,
You can break my heart
But I’ll never say we’re through.
Even when I cry, I can’t stay mad at you.




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