Ranmat

The Last Hours
2012-02-11 13:26:49 (UTC)

Broken.

Broken.

That is the 2nd time I head that word within a couple of months.

I guess I am.

But not in such a “bad” way! LOL

And I have much reason to be. Probably?

Maybe I am confused as to what I want. Actually, I’m not.. I just don’t think that I’m ready for what I want. Moreso for myself.

This has been my dedicated….. get myself ready for what I want for me period.

I have had a bad record of past relationships and I seem to only choose “wrong”.

With Darren…. I truly loved. But … he didn’t want to grow up. He wanted to be a gangster more. He wouldn’t sacrifice for a better life.

Gustavo…. Should have never been with him but even grew to love him. So strong but yet so weak. Drugs eventually took him down.

My last committed relationship.

Looking for some non commitment no strings attach relationship….. gave me Jonah. All by myself. I’m strong. My choice to have him but I think this didn’t help the bitterness.
I knew I couldn’t be in a relationship with bitter baggage…..

But…… to be sexually fulfilled in the meantime was ok wasn’t it ?

Roger……. Not only did he want to lie to me……. He didn’t want to use protection.
He had to go.

Can I just go out to dinner with a gentlemen? Go to a concert with a gentlemen? Go to mini trips with someone who know how to act refine when needs to be. Well… That is where Sarkis came in.

Only thing with Sarkis was that the spoiled man brat who never had to work and the overworked and forced responsible Tammy….. add a splash of cultural differences….. didn’t work.

So I decided to close up shop. Not just become celibate but to concentrate on being a better mom, getting better in my Spanish and working and paying off everything (yay!) and helping my mom. That alone keeps me so busy. Plus I’m trying to get my training on in the gym. Because I do want to be ready for a real relationship. I do want to have something to offer but I also want to have the time to invest. Which I feel I don’t have now. I’m not bringing anyone around my son. I have to pay for a babysitter. I’m so broke right now until another month. I’m not going out with no money in my pocket or ungroomed. PERIOD! And I don’t want to go out with my mind on 50 million things to do somewhere else. I want to be able to relax and enjoy my self. The last time I have even gone out was the Prince Concert. Before that the Maxwell concert. So it’s a big deal if I even have a change in the mundane routine.

And then there is this feeling of celibacy…… when you choose to be celibate….. you don’t even look at the opposite sex. Your mind is free and so many other things to think about and get done.

So I started digging someone online. And digging him when we talked and he asked to meet up in person and it caught me so off guard. Now I have actually thought about this person without even have met him… sexually.

First of all, I know how I can be. I am a very sexual person which is why I thought celibacy for me was a good thing to do so I could learn self control. Something I have never been taught but I understand how important it is to have in daily life.

So all these feelings where rushing towards me and I didn’t want to say any of them and I guess it came out sounding….. so “re-re” that it chased him away. And as I talked.. I knew that was happening….it was like a bad job interview. I told a couple of my girlfriends and they all said I was re-re. Someone who had a lot to offer but definately re re.

You know casual meeting is so common to most people. As is casual sex. And I know this is far fetch…. To just meeting someone to being in the bedroom.. not that that was bound to happen….. but with me not dating and not talking to someone…… I’m so out of practice….. I’m so “green”……. That it feels awkward and not natural for me…… and I think moreso to the average person who is “out there” dating. If I say I want to move slow it doesn’t mean slow as molasses….. I didn’t say…. I want to meet you in October of 2014……… Is it so bad to say next month, when mines and my son’s doctors and dentist appt’s are done, and I have babysitter and no more meetings for work?? Am I not worth waiting for 3 weeks? We’d still be talking and getting to know each other more. But I guess not. Oh well. I’m not chasing a man. He might be better paired with someone else. And why would I want to interfere with two other happy people.

I do have an office to run. 3 meals to cook a week. My son is in a language program. I am getting up at 4:40 to work it out in the gym……. I am cleaning the house by myself and helping my mom where I can. I have a certification to finish up….. so …. My plate is already full.

It sucks to be excited to talk to someone and then your not talking to them.

It really nice to consider someone when you don’t have to.

It sucks that it so rare I get excited.

It sucks to be misunderstood.

Okay…..

Refocus……

And focus on what you’re supposed to be doing right now.

Distractions are depressing.

In Another time, girl.

Perhaps.

by the way... he called me..... and came by to meet me. and the hug was NICEEEEEEEEE.

I guess to be continued. ..

well see...





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