Life as I know it
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2012-02-08 04:51:09 (UTC)

Its been ahwhile

Its been quite some time since I last wrote. Not really sure why I decided to stop writing or why I feel the need to now. Its been about a year now I think. I guess after the breakup with the guy who I thought I was gonna spend my life with. Then the next guy and the pregnancy. Then the break up with him Ive just been trying to let go of every part of my life back then. Including writing on here.
But I'm doing so much better now. I have a new guy in my life. I'm engaged and am planning a wedding set for this Oct. Its exciting. I'm gonna get the fairy tale wedding I've always dreamed of. Have a huge nice house, a brand new car, and an amazing man who loves me endlessly and treats me better then anyone ever has. Hes my best friend and the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.
Yet despite all of this I still find myself thinking about my ex fiance. I mean I guess its not totally weird. Or at least I hope its not. I know its been over a year since we broke up but yet I still find myself just wondering about him. Wondering what hes doing and how hes doing. I guess it'll take awhile for me to completely let go of him. I mean I by no means want to be with him in anyway. But I guess in some way he'll always have a place in my heart.
I mean even tho he wasn't the longest relationship I've ever had or my first 'love'. He was the most serious before my fiance now. So i guess its gonna be hard and just take time till I completely let go of him and everything that happened between us. If anything I guess its more I'm not over the hurt he caused me more then I'm not over him. What he did was hard to take. Telling me after a year of living together and a year and half of being together that he never loved me and never really trusted me was the worst pain I had ever felt.
I think trying to make it work after that made it worse. He said the only reason he said it was because a friend had him convinced I was cheating. But that's still no excuse. But I stayed because I loved him so much and I wanted to work it out. Come to find out after the fact that he was the one cheating. That hurt worse then what he had said. I guess that I'm still holding on to that pain. I'm just not sure how to let it go yet.
I don't want to keep holding on to it, even tho I've been trying to let go as much as I can, and have it effect my relationship now. I love my fiance now more then I can put into words. I just want everything in our relationship and our marriage to be perfect and not let anything from the past effect it in anyway. I'm just afraid that if I can't figure out a way to let go of the pain from my past before the wedding that I may never get over it and it'll end up causing problems in our relationship.
I guess I just need a friend or something that I can talk to so that I'm not just keeping it to myself like I have been. I mean I know a break up like the one I went through is not easy to get over but I know I need too and I want too. Just need to get it off my chest and out of my head so I can move on completely. I just feel guilty that I haven't talked to my fiance about it. I just don't want him to think that I want my ex back or that I don't love him as much as I say I do or anything like that.
Guess I just have some serious thinking to do and figuring out to do. Just gotta do what I feel like is right and hope that it all works out. I'm just gonna go with whatever is meant to happen will and if we meant to be together we will be. And that he loves me enough to understand and will love me and be with no matter what. Just have to pray for the best.

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