The Real Me
Angels and Stars.
Sometimes I feel regret for the decision I made in haste, because after all attachment leads to unclear thoughts, you tend to overlook the persons flaws, no matter how bad they are. Maybe if I didnt jump into anything after V, but then again I needed it.
Everything has been good so far, Ive managed to let go of the past by telling myself nobody gives a shit, that helps because I guess it made me stronger and realize I have to move on from all the horrible crap that has happened, and I cant blame anyone except circumstances. Even circumstance is chance after all. I cant stop myself being the person it has formed me to be today that again will take time. So it leads me to this...being with M was it wrong? should I let go now?...im at the point where i feel that love isnt enough...that I need more and I guess so does he.Its akward right now because I still always am dyinnggg to see him, but then when I go to his I dont want to be there I still feel distant. Hes rich always had a good life, I feel there is always more meaning to life I guess our understanding of the world is different. Mine as much as I hate it, is cold deattached and cruel, that we all are selfish and out for our own needs and I tend to dwell alot on this fact only to come to the conclusion that you may aswel live life to the fullest that you have. Then i begin to wonder is love even real when everything is "fake" technically, how can one love uncondiitonally, the closest conditional love is to the love we get from our parents (sometimes) so what is the point? letting go is hard, because a life alone is unappealing...that means I have to start from scratch. I dont even know what i want anymore, think the problems all me, I always want so much from someone. Im such a difficult person to handle, why should I expect him to be the one...and yet its sad, how he can make me feel sometimes, as if life can have some meaning...that there can be some kind of temporary hapiness in the moments we spend together nnd yet I cannot shake the feeling of meloncholly. Dont get me wrong Im not sucidal or depressed anymore but it makes me wonder...I get curious about death and I wonder would it be easier after death...what am i trying to live my fullest for...if ive had anough cant death be an option? what if im tired of living life to the "fullest" what if thats not what I want. Everything seems pointless when I think we will all be under the grave at some point...and nothing in this life we did counts. I wish I could be ignorant again and beleive in a religion or God sometimes...but my brain just doesnt allow me to, I know how silly it is. The "facts" dont add up...and if we suffer so much would God not come down and consolidate us, its sad that even religion puts conditions on the "love" of God so how can we expect it from any human, it makes everything feel hopeless because its so damn contradictory...if u do this you will go to hell but god still loves you. Maybe I dont want a creator like that? Maybe I want an understanding God who understands every situation a human being is put him to lead them into that thought cycle of commiting a "sin" and if I can have this fair unbiased view of people then he is allmighty surely he would far better understand. So really what is there to live for?...doesnt this feel like hell where nothing is real. Im trying to educate myself and get a degree for what? to get rich and provide for my mother thats it. What is there to see if we are not eternal.
I think too much..