Ranmat

The Last Hours
2012-01-21 10:41:01 (UTC)

My sorry ass uncle

i have been meaning to put my thoughts on paper in order to "get it out" but time is ALWAYS an issue in my life, no matter how much I manage it. But its actually time for this one.

I have an uncle who i would love to have a good relationship with. Sometimes we do. But most of the time we do not. I can only guess to some of the things that have contribute to his personality, which is what ultimately prevents us from being closer.

He is 51 and has never moved out on his own. Which, in itself, does not have to be an issue. There are many of cultures that do not move out until their married. But something is said about a person who has had to keep their own lights on, their rent paid, food on their table and gas in their car. One who has nobody - does for themselves because they have to. One who has not ever really had to becuase they can always fall back on someone else and still not go hungry and cold... well, to me that person doesnt work as hard. for what? They dont have to.

One thing i notice about men is that they can live without ALOT. They can have top ramon everynight for the rest of their lives and it would be ok. Some men can only sink so low.... others alot lower....and some dont have a breaking point at all.

My uncle has spent alot of time in his room, watching sports, surfing the internet and drinking beer. he doesnt have much of a social life. No girlfriends, no buddies he regularly goes out and do things with. He doesnt have appropriate attire when there is someplace to go. This is not a problem for me. I'm somewhat of a loner. Most people i dont even like. But I do feel their are self esteem issues when you are not comfortable mingling with various parties.

My uncle has a temper. To the point where he has displayed it at his _at the time place of employement. To the point if you dont want any esculations...... you withdraw..... because he doesnt know how.

He is argumentative. Even with topics he is not familiar with. Even on subjects that isnt worth arguing about. He has to be right. He doesnt listen. He is a man's man. Women are certainly the weaker vessel (my personal opionion based on what i have heard him say in the past). But again, this is not enough for me to dislike HIM as a whole.

So, i'm just assuming his unemployment has ran out... could be totally wrong but this is the first time in life i have seen him really try to get a job. Everyone in the family wants him to have a good job. First, we are family and we want the best for ours. But in our family it is a dominoe affect. It goes like this:

My mom, who is 63 this year has been working 2 jobs for the past 13 years. She does so, to be able to maintain (she doesnt know how to budget really).....but moreso to be able to help the household of my grandmother which contains my brother and my uncle. My mother suffers from arthiris. My grandmother doesnt work. If my uncle and brother kicked in a lil more, maybe my mom could just work one job. If my mom could just work one job, she could do more at home to help me. If i had more help, I could spend quality time, raising my strongwilled son. So, when uncle is ademate about working..... we are all supportive. NO DOUBT.

He ask if he can stay with us because he lives far, his job - its closer to us, and that was fine.

We got an airmatris, some blankets, pillows, clean towels and a key.

My mom bought him clothes, underwear, tshirts, mouthwash, etc so that he could be presentable for training/work.

I usually cook 3 meals on the weekend for the week. When he was here, i found myself in the store, 3 times during the week. Then it dawned on me. I'm feeding an extra person. A grown man... and i would NEVER trip off that.... we as humans gotta eat and i wouldnt ask anyone to give when they cant.....

My uncle (and my mom for that matter) are not the type to create a great meal if it aint already put together. Fine. i without my uncle spend $70.00 bi monthly to feed 3 people... now that same amount for 4 people. I know how much a certain amount of juice should last, or the 120 slices i get of cheese from costco..... etc. .....gone in one week???

do you understand how creative one has to be, to feed 4 people on 70 dollars for 2 weeks of food?????

The kitchen is really my terrority because my mom doesnt have time and i do all the cooking. Nothing goes to waste.

So to ensure all the food is cooked and there is not extra kitchen crap for me to clean..... i started making him plates. None of these plates were not lacking. Tostadas had, beans, meat, cheese, maybe two kinds, tomatoes, sour cream, avocado, sauce, maybe two kinds, lettuce.... etc..... there was one time i made breakfast for him it was eggs, bacon, grits, toast, ask him how was that breakfast to this day?????

I had made all taco makings.... all he had to do was prepare his tortilla and put it together. I asked him if he wanted a taco.....to go ahead a make it..... "no, i'm ok". But when my mother offered.... he wanted 3.

But when he found out that i was trying to "not let anything go to waste".... or clean up extra....instead of appreciating.... he felt like I was using him. Thus his words "so your using me".

go figure????

So after that, even though i was cooking for 4, he choose to be humble and just eat a lil. All the cookies, all the snickers,... all the juice....... but none of the home cook food that was cooked with him in consideration. I feel it was pride.

My mom sometimes goes out to a lunch with her friends and brings back leftovers for her to eat later. She brought back ribs.... He ate all but one rib without asking. Another time,... she brought back 2 mini sweet potato pies,.... (left the wrapper on the table.... when the trash is the same amount of feet the other direction)..... didnt ask... just assume it was all good for him to take.

There was this one time when i thought he forgot his lunch. I figured with his hours he would have lunch early in the morning. I made arrangement with my job to go take him his lunch and i made some phone calls to find exactly where he was so that i can make arrangements to get his lunch to him. Only to find out.... he didnt forget his lunch. What if he DID forget his lunch. It was still the same effort. If he had forgot his lunch he would have been fed. Instead he was like... you only brought to me more of what i already had. He didnt so much as say thank you.


the first weeks he stayed and he went home for the weekends, i found myself cleaning after him. the empty cheese stick wrappers shoved between the couch,...... the wrapping that his new underwear came in that my mom bought for him UNDER the couch.....the sticky stuff in the bathroom sink that i have no idea to this day what it was but it didnt want to budge! or the matches he lit when he was taking a dump.... not to flush them or trash them but to save them as if you can actually reuse them.......the rinsing out the beer cans to recylce......... I'm cleaning.


This prompt my mom to ask,... since he comes home early to help with washing the dishes and taking out the trash.

When he did, it was a tremendous help for me.... even when he wasnt thorough in washing the big pots which he never did. I only have so much time when we are home to bath jonah, feed him, do homework and put him to bed.

Our sink went bad.... dripps. The plumber was coming the next day. He needs room to work. We had pans down to catch the water. When i came home, he stated, .... "i would have washed the dishes but the pipes are broke". ok. so, empty the water from the pans that accumalated the water and wash the dishes. I dont see how the leaking problem prevented anyone from doing the dishes. He just gave me a sorry cop out. Whatever. I did the kitchen, moved everything.... done. But this showed me, that clearly, he was not one to think out of the box. fine.

There was another time when the next day was to be trash day. he says, i would have taken out the trash but i didnt see the trash cans. Usually on trash day, the trash is taken to the street. Instead of acknowleging that...... he rather say that we save trash? WhAT? we are 3 people in a 2 bedroom... where do we save the trash? Why would we save the trash? Wouldnt it stink if we did? He says... " you guys do NOT throw away trash as often as we do". This is true. In their house they use the grocery plastic bags as trash bags... which is alot smaller than our tall kitchen trash bags which we try to fit as much in but if trash day is tomorrow..... take out the trash. I thought this was very lame for trying to justify not taking out the trash. Even after that conversation..... I ended up taking out the trash.


There was this one sunday i found out i had Pneumonia. He was supposed to come back that Monday. With Pneumonia, I was freezing all the time.... and i took his blankets that i orignally purchased for him. I figured, since its cold he would need more. With Pneumonia I went and bought him two more blankets..... only for him to ask for the blankets i orinally took from him back in addition to the ones i bought him. I never even asked him for the 30.00's that i didnt have to spend on him back.


I decided to make myself some chicken soup when I was sick. I crockpotted it for 10 hours on slow. Only to come back and find it gutted. He ate over 1/2 of it. When there was other cooked food in the fridge. Did he even replace it? Nah.

There were times he attempted to contribute. He bought a whole chicken that was the size of a ginuea pig. He bought Armenian food but ate up all the rice before anyone could get any. When he contributes, he reaps most of the benefits.


When i was sick, i went to mcdonalds for jonah. He says, I will pay you back when you get back, but if you can get me two cheeseburgers. When i got to mcdonalds i forgot what he said and got 2 quarter pounders. When i came back home, he was like "this is not what I asked you for".... becuase i got the order wrong, he decided that he shouldnt have to pay me. What he ordered was 4 dollars. What i bought was almost 12. Did i even see the 4 dollars? i did not.

I bought the air mattress he sleep on. I told him to watch keeping the heat on becuase it melts the plastic of the bed and after awhile doesnt allow the air to stay. He didnt listen. I bought another one for him. Same thing. So now he has nothing to sleep on. I told him that I would take him to Target to purchase another one. They are only 15 dollars. He said he was not going the day before christmas to target. I said ok... give me the money and i will go get it for you. he was like I dont have any money but he had just got paid. he had money for beer. he said he would just sleep on the couch. My mom doesnt allow anyone to sleep on that couch. so he wanted to after 7 pm take the bus to diamond bar to sleep in his bed for a couple of hours to take the bus to work on a route he had not taken before. I didnt want him to risk that.... i remembered i had an almost defected air mattress that the boys play on that he could use and he saw that it was ok for him. But it was such an ordeal for him to sleep on the floor. We could have made a comfortable palete. Chad sleeps on the floor when he comes over. The fact that he could not sacrifice sleeping on the floor to be logical about the travel time and risking being late for work..... as it wasnt a surprise for me... just didnt have that... i'm going to do what i gotta do to get what i gotta get - its just for one night - attitude. Like it was beneath him.

It was irritating to me that he assumed that he could take my grandmothers car for a week without asking anyone anything. My mom went out there with the additional intention that he would ride back with her. But come Tuesday during the week in traffic,.... she was asked to get him. There is no regard for other people's time or energy or property. Oh well, at least he gave her gas money and i was not asked.

So comes the day when my mom ask me since i was doing the wash to wash his work shirts. I was told he was not coming that night so i assumed he was going home for the weekend. Normally I would not wish to wash his work shirts but whatever.... I was feeling better from my pneumonia and had major cleaning that i was already doing anyway. I sprayed the black rings of the neck of his shirts and rubbed them and washed them. Only to have to do it twice to get the rings out. I was going to air dry them so they wouldnt shrink and then press them. Why not.

He comes in the door and he says "hey everybody".... his damp shirts are on the couch because i was going to air dry them so they wouldnt shrink but his next words out of his mouth was "Why are my shirts damp? I have to wear these tomorrow?"... he takes them and goes to put them in the dryer. I was really joking when i started to talk but i said... you know you can come in and see how everyone is doing and then ask about your shirts. He told me " He didnt ask for me to wash his shirts". But that didnt matter to me. My mom asked me. I washed them. I told him he didnt have to be rude... it wasnt like I was his wife. He told me he had a bad day. My point was... ok... well what happened. i pleaded with him that we should be able to talk only for him to tell me he was not interested in this conversation. I asked him.... even if its important to me? he told me that i have a way of being persistant... that i try to get people to do what they dont feel like doing. I agree to some point. I can be persistant. he turned on the game. I was like really, you just turned on the game and i'm trying to talk to you. He told me, he did not care.

This time though i was pleading because i knew this would be my last time to "try". He said,... i dont even know why you are the way you are".... I thought and said...hmmmmm ... maybe its because I never had a father. Maybe because i had a horrible step father. Maybe becuase my son has no father and i'm doing everything all by myself...... i never ask for help and at the end of the day... EVERYTHING... even for others...... "its handled". And he says that I remind of a abused puppy... that when you go to pet it.... it flintches..... I thought this didnt make sense because a flitch puppy wouldnt be persistant and he said this to hurt me. And it did hurt me. Not because i think i'm an abused puppy but because he said it with the intention of hurting me.

My mom came into the room so that our discussion wouldnt get overheated...... I admit i had been drinking but everything i said to him was the truth and I made sure i didnt say anything that my mom would not have disagreed with and everything i said on facebook that night because he didnt want to talk to me.... was the truth

that night, he came to hug me. My mom was there. Only thing about this hug was ... when i went to embrace him... he pulled. This hug was not a genuine hug. it was a "keep the peace hug because i still had to stay in this house". Which to me was coniving.


and truth is this.

The men in our family have had a disservice but the women are like warriors.

Craig is like a man child. Chad is too.

When they are well above the age to provide at least 100% for themselves, they seem relunctant to leave their comfort zone for selfish reasons. And because they havent been in the position to be forced to, they dont.

and all the while one points the finger at the other.

i was raised to believe you do not take anything without asking or else its stealing.

And if someone goes a mile to give, you naturally feel obligated to either give back or do something for that person.

The truth is... that night i washed his shirts... he sat in the chair for 3 hours and drank beer and watch the game. He had enough time to wash his work shirts himself.

Am i really looking to work more than i already do?


How should I feel to consider someone so much and they cant even say thank you? Or listen to me when i tell them that I want to talk to them and i'm hurt by what they say to me?

I feel that i have looked out for him for no other reason than him being family. I have not asked for anything in return. nor has he ever done anything for me. But he is comfortable enough to call me and say "can you please BUY ME this book on Amazon".

how long should I contribute to him when he is not contributing at all when he is able?

When he gets his paycheck, then he should at least buy his own food not eat Jonahs', if he needs more get his own blankets, his own airmatress. I think this is fair. He is not my responsibility.
He is abled bodied. If we provide an item and he doesnt take care of it... how many times should we replace in his behalf, when he can do for his own?

On top of that... I'm doing all this.... not getting any appreciation and he is disfellowshipped. If i'm trying to get myself together spiritally... should he really be here... if he can handle this from his own house?

Should i be the one to leave the house i pay rent in because it has become uncomfortable. for me? and he has the nerve to tell my mom we were not hospitable?

Stop babying that grown man. Stop enabling him as it doesnt help him. It hurts him in the end. He has shown he can get up in the dark and travel and try to keep a steady job because he has to. LET HIM. He should. HE is 51!!!! its about time.

Its not even about money. If he thinks our kitchen is so "filthy" as he told my mom which it isnt... are things in its place... no.... put filthy... no. Can he not contribute to placing trash in its wrong place as a house guest? Instead of critizing family. help where you see is needed. To me that is a common courtesy.
He called my mom mad at me. He called her because he knew he was capable of hurting her feelings which validated his.

I'm sorry. This world is hard and challeging enough. I'm not going to make it harder for myself when in reality.... i dont have to. If he wants to be mad at me because i say NO to adhereing to him.... if he is upset with me because i stand up for myself, then i'm sorry. He has to be mad.

I yelled at him after he insulted me.
It takes two people to converse.

I would hope that i had at least ONE positive male role model on my mothers side of the family that Jonah can imitate... but if that is NOT the case..... thats not the case. so be it. it is what it is.


____________________________________________________________________

btw: The below is the real reason he is mad at me.... and the
reason he checked out of our Four Seasons hotel.


word for word what i said that he chose to read on my page:

im SURE there is something else.... but right now... there is nothing worse than a weak, unappreciative spoiled immature MAN!!!!!


Rg Price
Sure it is, a weak unappreciative spoiled immature woman.

Tammy
NICE! And I can so agree, Mr. Price, I CAN.......But where there IS a pateint woman, wanting to work it out between family members to keep peace and closeness , and when she is really helping the family member.......... for nothing in return....or for no gain....and she tries to keep the lines of communication open and to learn one another.... and they "dismiss" you and "compare" you to something that is MOOT.....and they turn on the gameto block you out....... WOW....... who does that?????? Rather Man or Woman.... they should be checked and left alone!!!!

Melissa Kahler
Worse = Not being able to kick him to the curb.

Tammy
OMG MELL, You are so right... .the fact that they are family..... they aint GOING NOWHERE.....and the fact they hide behind behind insecurities/confrontation for growth in a healthy truthful environment/ or thinking that anyone and everyone is here to serve your beck and call because they dont have a clue........ .doesnt matter.......... I'm stuck with someone who at 51 will never GET IT......but I have the heart to try to help when i see they truly need it!!!!!!! WHAT the hell position is this that I am in??????

and on top of that... .this (blank - because he is on my facebook friends list that i will remain at least respectful since he cant handle me being just OUT WITH IT as his younger neice)....... tries to console me by giving me a hug????????? Really? ????? A hug??? What is a hug if you DONT GET THE POINT and give one out when YOU feel its not deserved???? You dont think I see that your giving me a hug in order to "keep the peace", your still not getting the point and thus trying to shut me up???? That hurts. #givinguponyousinceyournotworthmytimeeventhoughyourfamily


i guess i am. I really dont know WHY i hold family and thus blood line with such i high regard..... with my stepfather.... i learned that if someone is "hurtful" to your being...... separated it...... but in this stuation.... its my beloved grandmother and my mother who are not only silent to this behavior but contrbutes to this behavior....,.so i feel empelled to keep the peace but after tonight while feeling desrespected. its just sad because when im done.....im done.....no going back.....thats why i try SO hard to smooth situations out : ( oh well.... cant get blood out of a rock!




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