I drink Alone
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2012-01-20 03:24:48 (UTC)

Here we are back in the..

Here we are back in the hometown again. Moved back to a rather small place. But it's in the country and we'll own it by the end of the year. Good friends moved in next door, so now the kids wait eagerly for their kids to finish homework and come out and play every day.
With the added bonus of having extra help from family and friends with the babies. I'm very glad to be back. That year gone I think of as my year put in solitary confinement. With the kids of course. All the lonely days of walking to the park with the kids trying to fill the house with music and as much noise as possible.
Here someone usually stops by every day (which is hell on me because it's more motivation to keep up with housework)
The kids have grandparents and family that picks them up here and there for special time to read, or help feed the animals at the farm. And they are enrolled in a few programs with other kids.
Also important, I can Very rarely but better than nothing, go out with friends grab drinks, party. I felt like I was losing me. I lost most my friends when I had kids. Good riddance to those silly people. But I was feeling sorry for myself for awhile. But now I realize the friends that came with me, or the ones I've made lately, are all I need. They are here with who I am today.

On a darker note, that side of me that I embraced and flaunted at first, but quickly became my worst enemy. Is back. I feel it just under my skin. I feel it in the air that chokes me. I had thought it was gone. That something like that would in no way be capable of defining a person. And I don't welcome it. I am happy. That's what I have to tell myself when it comes at me. I justify the feelings with excuses I wouldn't accept from anyone else. Perhaps it's only human nature. Maybe everyone struggles with this demon. Like a drug they'd kill for. It's worse now. I never fall asleep till at least three am because I can't quiet it. Drowning is not the appropriate word to define this feeling. It's more like being burned ever so slowly.