Riversrain

My secret undoing
2012-01-16 07:25:58 (UTC)

I am coming undone

I wish that death would just take me away. I cant take this any more. I am a burden to every one at one point or another in my life. My father and mother hate me. My father told me that if i slit my wrist and died that he wouldnt even care. Yet My mother told me that intell i am 18 that i must fallow their rules, I wish that i could just make all this pain and agony disapear. I feel cold. I feel alone. I feel as if i could just give up and give in to the worst sin. But i cant I wont. I am ashamed by my own actions yet some how proud of them. I feel as if i am numb to my tears. I feel no more fears. I guess the reason tis for the fact that I think They cant take anything else away from me. My sis T is staying at the apt with me and i do not have to move back in to my fathers household.I love my sis T because she is trying to help me. Yet i feel as if i just cant do this. I feel unwanted and used like an old wash rag used one too many times. And its taking every little bit of my will power to not show how i realy feel. I wont break. But I wont let them see my pain at least not today. I wish that the love of my life was still with me right now. He is the only one who makes me feel as if i have no unwanted sadness in my life. I wish that he was hear with me. An without him with me i feel as if i am alone and as if some thing is missing. I some times wish that i could let my demons erase me. I am so tired of feeling like crying. Inside my head every voise is telling me to give up and let the pain take over. An i am actuley thinking about listening to them this time. I wish that some one could hear my silent screams. I can no longer sleep for my dream are full of death and pain. I wish i could just fade away. To give up and return another day. To just return to the old me once agin one day. I wish that i could once agin say that i love to pray. Well i guess ill have to wait and see if i could become the sweet innocent me.




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