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Ramblings, Stories, Fantasies
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2012-01-12 14:17:45 (UTC)

Too Nice

Im just too nice. I went ahead an offered him a ride to work, and he took the offer. He said his usual "sorry" tho, I know it doesnt mean a thing. The same ole same ole will just happen again today.

I came home, and on my laptop was a picture, hand drawn, that said "dont be sad mommy. We all love you, so just try to be happy please". It made me cry. It was from my 10 year old daughter. I guess my depression has gotten so bad that even my children are being affected by it.

I dont know how to be happy. I try. I really do try. I place that smile on my face and mask what I feel inside, but I guess the past week, I havent even been able to get the smile on my face, no matter what I do or how hard I try.

I need different meds, but am tired of all the side effects of trying meds and then have them not work.

Im currently on
500 mg of Depakote 4 times a day,
300 mg of Trazadone at bed time
10 mg of Saphris at bed time
20 mg of Ambien at bed time
300 mg of Wellbutrin in the morning
100 mg of Imitrix for miagrains

I think thats all Im taking. I was on Ambilify, but less than 12 hours had an allergic reaction and in the ER with it, that was just about a month ago, and I then stopped all meds, and stopped goig to my doc. But about a week or so ago, started on a low dose of meds again, and will work my way back to the full dose. I just want some relief. My depression is never ending. My bipolar I feel is controled the best it can be at this point. I stopped the depakote because I got tired of feeling fat at 140 pounds...When I stopped the depakote, I was able to drop back down to 127 pounds. I felt great looking again. But guess I will try again, and go from there.

Anyway, I am going to slide into bed with my four year old son, who just turned four two days before Christmas, and watch, laugh, and smile, to Curious George.

Till later ----
The Bipolar Donkey


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