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Ramblings, Stories, Fantasies
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2012-01-11 23:20:37 (UTC)

Been Awhile

Been awhile since I last updated on this thing. Just got internet set up at home finally and its easier to do it through the laptop than to do it via the Iphone.

Life has been a struggle. I thought things would have gotten a little easier while on all the medications, but it didnt and they switched my meds o me so much looking for the right one to work that I ended upjust taking myself off everything for a good three months or so. I restarted slowly taking my Bipolar meds a few weeks ago, and Im back to feeling worse than ever. I hate pumping my body full of meds that dont seem to work. Its just a pain.

One of my daughters is in the hospital for SH. The other one would be there but she is pregnant so they are trying to keep her out of there because the baby is due in two months. They suggested to put her back on a low dose of meds, but of course she is refusing. Wonder where she gets that from eh?

Life with the boyfriend isnt good either. In his eyes, everything I do is a f-up, and he drills it into me about the mistakes I make, little or big. No matter what my intensons are, he still just hounds the crap outa me. Reminding me with his exact words "You dumb f-ing idiot, who cant follow directions and f-ing listen." Yet, his mistakes are not mistakes. Go figure. He can come home and vent about a bad day at work and I listen and support him all the way, yet when I have a bad day, he asks whats wrong, but as soon as I open my mouth to explainn or talk, he walks away, he just doesnt want to hear it because it doesnt matter.

Im back to the urge to SH as well. The throat would be nice, but I wont do it. Id rather hide it somewhere. Its not like anyone sees under my clothes anyway. The boyfriend doesnt even show an intrest in me, yet he claims I push him away? Maybe because I get the cold shoulder or the response "Thats what toys are for" or "Find a younger boy toy". Such support and feelings there eh? Thats on a good day. Today was the bad day. I had driven to go pick him up from work yesterday so he didnt have to walk 14 miles home, but I failed to hear "I will call you when I am ready for a ride" so I went his usual time he had been getting off work, and he wasnt ready, and I waited about 2 hours then drove back home to pick the kids up from school and drove back because he was ready for a ride then, and as soon as he gets in the car, its one bitch and scream and put me down for my lack of listening and waisting money by the extra driving I did. But his tickets are waisting money? I slipped one time and made the double trip and its been one hell of a bitch me out session since yesterday, and today was his day off and he still hasnt let up on me, and when I start to get depressed from it all, he yells even more..."Just sink further into your depression, like that solves anything".....

Now he hasnt spoke nicely to me all day, then I get the internet and he wants to know the password to set up his playstation 3 I bought him for christmas. Speaks nice when he wants it, he gets it, then goes right back to being a rude ass to me. Even the younger kids noticed it.

I love him, dont get me wrong, but I think I am slipping out of love with him, due to these kind of things. Going on 4 years, and maybe the past 9 were decent, the rest have been the same as today and yesterday. I have never met his family, he refuses to go anywhere with me or the kids. He just wants to go Do I even matter anymore?

How the hell do I keep myself from sinking into a dark hole when I am around this kind of shit everyday? Come home and appologize, Im sorry, but less than an hour later, start right back in on me. I just dont understand anymore.

Anyway, I just needed to vent right now. Enjoy my new internet at home. Try to relax which I doubt will happen, Im just waiting on the edge of my seat for the next F-U Christina sesson and beat me down sesson, then belittle me even more for letting it get to me.

Anyway, will update again soon I am sure.
Been real....
The Bipolar Donkey