Kitten

Confessions of madness
2011-12-10 22:41:16 (UTC)

I've been away a while, away..

I've been away a while, away from myself. I'm writing this as a reminder for myself, a reminder I'm still alive. Because I am. I'm alive.
I feel comatosed. It's like I feel everything, see everything, knowing whats going on, but its not me. It's like I'm still asleep, in some bed, somewhere far away. Theres someone living my life, but it aint me..

My nan died on monday. I've lived with her for 18 years, looked after her when she was getting bad with her memory, kept her in check, made her laugh. I've barely cried for her. I saw her dead body, told her my last words to her. I've barely cried for her.

I've still be nursing my mother, making sure shes safe, calling the police, the crisis team, my family, her friends. I've been cooking for her, cleaning up after her, dressing her. I've been watching her, securing her, helping her. I've given my life to her. She tells me im useless in return.

I've been looking for a stable job, searcing every day for a job that'll keep me going for a bit, something more permant, full time, something that'll make me money to give to my mother. I've had one interview in 6 months of looking.

Today I found out that on christmas day, I will be out of the one job I do have. Making me lose all income to the house I now support.

My uncle has been terribly ill because of his dangerous lifestyle of drinking, smoking and eating fatty foods. The lifestyle I've now seemed to aquire. He now needs stents in his heart and a regulated lifestyle.

I have a boyfriend/fiance/husband, he loves me 100%. Would do anything for me. He wants to live with me, marry me, have children/pets with me, he wants to love me, to make me happy. He worships me. Hes sweet, smart, funny and incredibly nice. I could see myself doing all that he wants with me. He loves me. But the one thing I should never say I shall. I love him, but im not in love with him. Hes everything I would ever want, need. I've dreamed about having a man like him for years. But hes not the man I thought he would be.

Im not me, this isn't me, I've forgotten where I left me. I'm lost.