All that is
i don't want to live my life choosing the path that chooses me -
some people are content with being seen as desirable by a handful of people, while others think that you're only truly beautiful if you're everybody's type.
"there's a darkness, living deep in my soul, that's still got a purpose to serve.. so let your light shine, deep into my hole..." - santana
I have two interviews this week. I'm scared shitless, because I know the outcome will determine whether or not I have a job in the new year. which is annoying cos in a way i'm interviewing for a role i already have... It's a PA role but its wider so i'd be helping the design and photography team etc. I'm hoping that that's where I'll be strong. The first interview is tomorrow, with alex, at 3pm, then the 2nd one is with the manager (E) on Thursday. I can't wait for this week to be over. I'm so worried. all i want is job security, and not to think 'shit, did me not remembering this or that make her not want to take me on permanently??' no one should have to go to work like that. now its really distracted me from doing a good job. I sit at my desk and i'm worried sick, and unable to be efficient. I won't lie, a large part of this stems from the fact that I am scared of my manager. just her stare and her demeanour. and i feel like she has doubts. see? this is where my highly tuned intuition comes as a disadvantage. Any other person wouldn't take notice of these things, and just get on with it. but with me, I soak in too much of the atmosphere. I have a knack for these things, and i can feel if the dial has been turned too far to the left or right, and i react accordingly. I think the stakes are probably higher being a pa to someone. because every error is magnified as it can directly affect them, since you're working directly under them..
If I don't get it, then I'm back out in the cold, searching for work. If that happens, hopefully, I will be in a better position than I was at first..
I went to Robin's Ideas event thursday night and met some interesting and useful people. I got a few names, and have hopefully got some kind of ball rolling in terms of possibility for employment in the new year if this doesn't work out.
To be honest, being a PA directly for Emma is not hard, but our chemistry is not right. and i know that she feels it too.