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2011-11-17 18:36:17 (UTC)

Still Hangin' In

Wow. 19 Months since I last wrote here.

I would love to shower this entry with writings such as "and they lived happily ever after" or "I don't know what I was thinking before. Life is good and all is well".

I now have an opportunity to attain my goal of success in my home town. I have the inside track to the top of the ladder with my company, in this location. I would like to, and feel perfectly capable of getting to the top of this company. This would require a significant change in location and lifestyle.

Perfectly revealing that my first topic is work!?!?

I love my wife and children. Why do I not start with them? I am coming to despise my God.

I have spent the best years of my life trying to find His will. Either I am destined to fail or I have a flaw that forces me to fail, especially when I should be succeeding. I sometimes feel that if I was not so contained by Him, I would have already achieved so much for my family. Or for me. That's just one of my dilemmas.

My father was given a terribly unfair life. He help my grandmother raise four siblings, all of which have lived a full and rewarding life. My father was taken at thirty seven years by pancreatic cancer. Leaving behind his soul mate(my mom who has done nothing but struggle since he died)and three kids, me being the youngest, the baby, the chosen one.

My ex-wife(who is screwed up beyond repair and is now seeming to be happy) summed it up best. "Everything comes easy for you" she would always say. It did. It started in Mt. Vernon, OH with first place in the long ball. In third grade, I threw the baseball farther than everyone else for the first place ribbon. I played baseball and football in third grade in Mt. Vernon. I have so little memory of both.

We moved to Gray, TN. I was the star in all sports except basketball. I set all the records in baseball for home runs, hits and I'm sure many other stats. They had to come up with new categories for rewards so that I wouldn't win them all.

Thirteen year old all stars, in baseball, I went 5 for 5 batting but won the defensive player award because I caught a ball that was deflected off the center fielder's glove to end the championship game in Jonesborough, TN.

Sounds like bragging. I got the same recognition in football, but normally more for offense, despite being leading tackler and crushing opposing teams offenses. I was amazing at Ping Pong(Table Tennis for all you enthusiasts). I was dead eye at basketball, although I quit in 7th grade(thank you coach Hannibass, you jerk!!!) I wrestled high school varsity in the 7th grade and finished third in the State!!! Everything did come easy. I felt guilty at times.

On the other hand, as a sophomore in High School, I took a gorgeous girl to a high school dance. This girl left the dance with another guy(thank you Kelly).

So you see. I'm the guy who appears to have it all... but....

My first true love.

She is still local and even though I would not ever trade my wife, I still regret losing Lori. My wife would say the same thing, probably even more, about her lost Andy.

Lori was soooo special. She exuded beauty and innocence. She was so lovable. She had values but they were just a bit different than mine. She was a girl who was not a big fan of girls. Girls can be so mean. she had "Guy Friends".

I was far too insecure to accept that. I still am. But she was nearly perfect. I hurt for her loss. My feelings for her will never change.

Ok, Maybe another update in two years.