z2smith

z2Smith
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2011-11-14 15:46:37 (UTC)

My Roles

Father:-
This so far is the role that brings me the most joy. I do well in this role and enjoy it so much. I have 3 wonderful children each special in their own way. The first (boy) is always going to be special to me and seeing him growing up a happy child just makes me so happy. My second child (a boy again) is the reason why I live. He has Downs Syndrome but he is the single most important influence on my life. He has made me grow up and think differently about different things. Fathering him is the biggest pleasure I get. My last (a girl) is my princess. She always tells me she loves me and I am the best dad in town! Whenever I feel so down in deep myself in these children and they always make me so happy. They can be naughty and challenging but that is part of the contract….

Work:-
I have taken my foot of the gas for a while now as I have lacked motivation. My work involves reading and keeping abreast with new technology and the finance industry. I am so behind that I worry I may be left behind. My task starts now; I have plans that involve studying in the morning and reading references during working hours. I also want to be able to do my work intelligently and with good quality. I am way back and every day it gets worse. I have to get myself up and running starting today.

Brother:-
I have 2 brothers and 1 sister. I am the 2nd child but first son. The pressure I am under due to my siblings sometimes is just too much. My sister is suffering from depression and currently staying with me. She is moving bark with my parents very soon but my parents are getting old and worry so much about her and continue to spend money on her. I was until very recently very angry with her because I believe she brought most of her woes onto herself. Herself and her husband are separated, she has lost her house and in debt. I cautioned her a few times but never listened to me but now I am picking up the pieces of her depression (together with my parents and other siblings). My immediate younger brother is married with 3 children but always in one financial difficulty or the other. When you hear from him it is to borrow money and promise he will pay back on a specific date but never does and I don’t hear from him again until he need more money. The last born was doing relatively okay but got in to some financial irregularities at work so most of his funds have dried up but he is putting so much pressure on him to get him out of this financial hole as he has some money tied down in one of my investment. I don’t enjoy this role at all. Just pressure.

Son:-
My parents rely on me so much on how to tackle all the problems of my other siblings. I have never given them any problems. They simply cherish me and constantly call me up to discuss what to do next. They love and respect me and in my mother I have a woman that I know loves me unconditionally. She has never wavered in her love for me and never disappointed me. My father is also a leading light in my life and I love him so much. I enjoy this role but sometimes there is enormous pressure on me. I hide any problems I have from them as I know it will cause them so much heartache.

Business:-
I am way behind schedule on this. Sometimes I lack motivation as I am not happy in my life. My business is one thing that should reflect my personality. Right now I am not pushing as much as I know I can and this is showing in the progress so far. I need to get back on track on this and get going. I know and believe I am capable of doing great things with my business and career. I have just been distracted all year with the deep sadness I feel in my heart. I have to overcome this and aim for high things I know I am capable of.

Football Manager:-
It is a good distraction for me as it is purely recreational although it also has its own challenges and politics but I enjoy it.

Husband:-
Unfortunately for me this is my foundation role (together with fatherhood) and if things are not right here it affects everything. My wife is like a stranger to me emotionally we do not connect any more. I have tried reaching out to her but I don’t get any positive response. I really am at crossroads and cannot continue to carry so much sadness inside of me. I can ignore her and get on with my life and try and excel in the roles I have listed above, I wish I could do that but there is a big hole inside of me which can only be sealed by female attention (TLC). I want this from my wife but I cannot force her. Don’t know what best to do any more. As I said I can get on with other roles, Should I sit down and have a chat? Not sure if this will go far if she is not ready to open up and chat and moreover I don’t want to come across as some loved up husband seeking help from his wife. The consequences of that may lead to her thinking she is doing me a big favour. Do I take the lead and say I am the man of the house and be strong on her and confront her on the issues I have with her. At the moment all she does is makes me sad my life just pure darkness.


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