my thoughts

My Journey
2011-10-29 07:53:44 (UTC)

quiet days

I haven't written in a few days. I have either been too tired, not interested or just plain lazy.

Not much exciting has happened. The weather has been sort of yucky, it rained all day today and it has turned a lot colder.

I attempted to work on my quilt for a couple of days but I got a little uninterested in it and have laid it aside for now.

I haven't talked to my daughter this week other than an email I sent to her a few days ago. The last time time I saw her, at my mom's, we somehow got into a discussion about young teens committing suicide. A boy that my brothers knew, a 17 year old who was a senior in high school, hung himself last week. Supposedly over a girl. We had a big debate over this topic. My youngest brother, he's 34, voiced his opinion that there is NOTHING in this world so important or devasting to do something that stupid, cowardly and that selfish. Me, my daughter and my other brother disagreed with him. I told him that he evidently had no knowledge of how it feels to hit rock bottom. I told him that at that precise moment, when you ARE that torn, hurt and devestated, in your mind, that IS the only way to "fix" the problem. You honestly don't see past the pain to be able to acknowledge that you might hurt someone else, or that you are being selfish. In your mind, at that exact moment, you honestly feel like you are doing not only yourself, but them too, a favor. You feel like you won't be a burden or a bother to anyone else anymore. Because at that precise moment, that is the ONLY thing you feel. My brother, the one that was agreeing with me added that yeah, and there would probably be many more suicides than there are because many of us are simply too chicken to do anything. Why do I say this you ask?? How do I know this you ask?? Because I've been there. I've been to that lowest of lows in my life before. And those are the thoughts I've had. Yeah, it sucks. And thinking rationally, and we don't when we get that low, we KNOW it is stupid, cowardly, selfish. In my case, I have been lucky enough, or prayed for enough by someone, to get me back up from the bottom of the pit to think rationally for awhile. I honestly believe that when it has been carried out all the way, then that person just couldn't see past their demons, couldn't see beyond their pain and agony at that time. So, so sad.

Anyway, the very next day after we had this discussion, someone posted on my FB about a R.I.P. for a 26 year old guy that was two years ahead of my daughter. I emailed my daughter to see if she knew about this guy's death and what happened. She emailed me back and said she had been told that he shot himself. She didn't know what it was about. She wrote too, that how odd, especially after we had just been talking about that very thing. I pray for his family, I can't imagine what they are going through.

Guess I better try to get some sleep. It's almost 4:30 in the morning. Sleep would be nice. As usual, I don't get much of it. I took my sleeping meds for a couple of nights but they left me so groggy and out of it all the next day, I just don't think they are worth it. I can't function when I take those darn things. Hubby will be home tomorrow (or should I say later today) and I won't be able to sleep late, so off to bed I go. Oh, yeah, almost forgot. I emailed he-who-is-an-ass a couple of days ago. I HATE when I do that, because I can't hit a retrieve button. I regretted it the moment I hit send. He didn't respond yesterday and I didn't check my mail today so I don't know if he replied or not. And I honestly don't care. I hope he didn't. I've thought about him since I sent the damn thing, and it hasn't been pretty. I DO NOT NEED ANYTHING from a loser like him. What was I thinking?!?!?! until later....




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