Rant of a husband
My wife is supposed to be the source of joy in my life. I can categorically say that she has caused me a lot of heartache this year. From the thought of what she was up to with her boss, to the lies and deception, then the discovery of the vibrator to the lack of care, attention or tenderness that I seek which she may just be oblivion to. I ask a question, why do you think it is not necessary to reassure you husband after the discovery of the vibrator, since we don’t even have sex often (due to her). How confusing do you think that is to him? Yet nothing. Sometimes I just want to laugh with my wife, hug her, be hugged by her, kiss her be kissed by her, etc. I wish she would stroke my head tell me how wonderful I am and how fulfilled she is. I wish she could make me feel important in her life. I wish she could reassure me by whispering how much she needs me and in love with me. I have good days and bad days. I have tried to deal with the whole situation as best as I can but I still fill empty sometimes. Sometimes I hurt. Now she recently sent me a mail about how she wants to review the finance of the house. So she wants to access all my finances….the cheek of it….you lost the right to that when you started hiding things from me darling. I have no trust in you as I think you hide things from me and only God knows shat you get up to or can get up to given the chance. I don’t feel relaxed with you, it will take a long time for things to get back to normal in my head. One thing though….I love you and care deeply about you….I don’t want to share my life with anyone else, but I need assurances from you that you feel the same way. You need to open up more to me and realise that I am not fine and need your tender care now and again. More often than not I am extremely lonely….like now…I feel so lonely…I need female care. Having said all that I do see sign of good things….you have steeped up in your attention to the kids, I have a card in my wallet which my daughter gave me (from you obviously) thanking me for being a good daddy. One day may be we will be able to talk in details but I believe to talk we both have to be on the same wavelength. I don’t believe you will understand a number of the things I will say (if we talk) and worse I will hate if you start feeling as if you are doing me a big favour. I will not forget when the whole ‘boss’ thing broke out….I felt so insecure yet you dissed me with words like ‘you were naïve’, ‘and you wonder why we grow apart’ etc All these things hit me like a bomb…..I felt we were good…..yet you grew into this woman with her head in the clouds because of some stupid attention from that creep your boss, you start to spend money on clothes, shoes, hair, nails, assorted bath and body lotions etc You are really enjoying yourself with work and the city….yet not once did you turn to me to carry me along. You don’t even know what I do, not interested in my business the only interest you have is that I don’t use the house money for my business. As a team we should be working together but I can’t expose myself to you again as I have come to realise we are very different and I don’t want to fight or argue so will just go with the flow and manage myself. In all these, I will seek to do the best I can and find happiness in little things I can achieve. I am so scared to rely on you as I don’t trust you any more. It is a shame because I have so much to give as a husband. I want to make you the happiest woman on earth but I can’t force that. It has to be natural and there are thing that induce that all you do is make me lock up these urges. I wish I could have sex with you regularly, I wish you could show me so much love and attention and then you will see me blossom as a husband. I feel trapped but there are worse things in life so I will get on with it. On finances, I have never asked you about your finance. You seem to be spending a lot of money on yourself which is fair enough. I had to do something about my finance. I needed money for my business which you will never give me so I had to start hiding my financial dealings from you. Now you want to see the books. Sorry love, no can do. I really hope you asking for my books will not lead to a major rift between us. Just go about what you do and leave me to my devices as I am learning to cope and leave with the hurt.