my thoughts

My Journey
2011-10-26 03:20:38 (UTC)

if it was just that simple

Today was another beautiful day, and I slept a big part of it away.

I could not sleep last night. My ankle and foot was still very swollen and it hurt, my mind would not be still and I was so restless. Watching tv didn't help, surfing on the net didn't help, it was just another sleepless night. I finally drifted off around 6 this morning, but was awake again by 8. I drifted off again but was awake again at 9:30. I was in and out from then until around 11:30 and finally just gave up. And here I am again, it's almost 11:30 again, p.m. this time, and I'm wide awake. Looks like I'll be dipping into my sleeping meds tonight or else I won't get any sleep.

I went outside to enjoy the nice weather, but wasn't content and felt restless out there too, so I came back in. I cleaned house, when I could concentrate on it long enough, and made dinner right before hubby got home from work. After dinner he went outside to clean up leaves in the yard and I cleaned up the kitchen.

I have GOT to change something. I just don't know what or how. I can't keep doing this day after day. Something has to give.

And why, oh why, can I not quit thinking about he-who-is-an-ass?!?!

He has been on my mind, way too much, the past few days. Just when I think I have talked myself into finally getting over him, there he is, on my brain and in my heart. Twenty six years for crying out loud!! Twenty six years and my heart and mind still go there. I have went there physically several times too, just not lately. Its been about two years since our last in person encounter, maybe not quite that long. Its been a little over a month since we talked via email, and I've had to really, really restrain myself from doing it again. I can't allow myself to get that close to him again, not as close as we ALMOST got 2 years ago. As excited as I was about our little adventure we almost had, I know in my head, if not my heart, that it was best that it didn't take place.

I still haven't forgotten about Mexico either. What WAS he thinking?!?! But, one thing for sure, and I'm actually serious about my way of thinking about this, is that he says that he really believes that we will be together, even if it means we have to wait. For the first time in twenty six years, I'm able to say that I may not be available for him when that times comes. And I know it's coming, but probably not for at least 8, maybe 9 more years. I used to think that I would be there for him no matter how long it took. 50 years, if I had to wait that long. But you know what? If he really wanted to be with me as much as I've wanted to be with him, then things would HAVE to change. Right?? Then again, there's always that second guessing thing I do. For example, I really, really wanted to be with him a few years back. He had it all arranged but I backed out at the last minute. It was over something silly really, I made excuses about my car, trouble getting a couple days off from work, etc etc, but in truth, I probably could have made it happen. To this day, I'm still not really sure what was holding me back. During that time, I was free, wasn't remarried yet, and wanted him more than almost anything. I couldn't believe it then, that I didn't go, and I still can't believe it now. Especially now.

I've got to get him out of my system. I've almost emailed him several times today, but I know what will happen. I will tell him what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking. He will freak out, tell me things that will change my mind, and then I'll be back at square one. So I've let it be. Why do I feel like I need closure with him and the only way to do it is to talk to him?? How stupid is that??? I know the best thing is to just let it be, not contact him at all. But another part of me feels like I can't unless we have some kind of closure. He won't give it to me, I've tried several times. He won't say good bye and he won't let me say good bye.

I know , this whole entry has been mostly about him, but that's where my mind has been for the most part. I keep thinking about something my therapist said, that maybe he's an addiction. Well, how in the hell do you kick the habit?!?! She's not given me advice on how to do that. I don't want to be 70 years old and still trying to kick to habit. Trying to give up smoking has been easier. Well, I'm off. Off to do...I have no idea. Take a sleeping pill for one thing. Maybe two. I need sleep. I need my brain to settle down for a few hours and let me rest. Tomorrow is supposed to be nice again, I hope to go out and enjoy it. Doing what, remains to be seen. until later........




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