All that is
I've just realised. It's strange how things reveal themselves to you. Or how you come something happens which makes you better understand something about yourself:
The thought of being in a relationship absolutely terrifies me.
Last night I met up with my good friend matt. We went to el paseo first, then to another place with a name i can't remember. Then i called mark and he was back at the flat with kev. I convinced matt to come back to ours so he could meet mark and kev and have a grand old time. I'd convinced him. And so we walked over to the bus stop (not before watching a proper brawl unfold in front of us) then while we waited there, matt says - my neighbour's having a house party and he invited me. So after that, it didn't take much to persuade me to come, so we got on the bus and went on our way back to his. Throughout the entire night, i'd felt a kind of charge between us, as I usually do whenever we meet. And when we were at his neighbour's house party, matt and i were sitting opposite eachother, and i was telling him a few things told him about the crack fiend i lived with.. and our knees were touching. My knees were inbetween his knees. so his legs were on the outside of mine. they were touching quite obviously, not in an uncomfortable way either - i was enjoying it. anyway we went to the living room which was packed and had a dance there. then matt suggested we go back to his to drop some stuff off. when we went to his which was literally next door, we just kinda stayed there as there was no point in going back. so we laid on his mattress and chatted. then i asked for a duvet which he gave me, and then i laid down by his side with my back to him as if we were spooning - then he said 'no, turn this way, we have to be facing eachother' and i turned and as soon as i did, he leaned in and kissed me. I kissed him back and we were there kissing and writhing for about 20mins. I was so turned on and really wanted him. and of course he was the same but i stopped his hands wandering a few times. first of all, we were friends and i know that if you cross that line, there's no going back to the way things were. I really cherish matt's friendship so i didn't go down that road. secondly, i hadn't shaved my legs. enough said. But my goodness it was definitely very steamy, angst-filled. there was a kind of hunger. me, because i guess like i've said it's been a while since i last got laid, and the last time i had a decent kiss was..i can't even remember. so there. him, probably cos he was horny as hell, and it's been a month for him (which he said was 'a while'). long and short of if it is that we didn't have sex. I really badly would like to, cos he was just so different in bed - very erotic and sensual - he knew what he was doing. But I know that if i want to preserve a friendship, I shouldn't go there. The scenario could be very strange. I may sleep with him and end up feeling more than I think I should for him. I may sleep with him and feel nothing for him. Which would be a shame cause it would affect how I feel in his company. It could turn out like anton. Or like alec.
So this morning as I left his place, I didn't feel sad that I wasn't with him or anything. or a want To be his girlfriend or anything. Strange. When I thought of the idea me and him as girlfriend and boyfriend, it wasn't too appealing. Don't know if it was just cos it's him? What if it were some other guy, who was well accomplished and taller and older like 31 and was taking me out all the time? who i got on with just as well as i did with matt? dunno.
Even when I think of someone like O and how much I fancy him. But the thought of us together, of him having a 'responsibility' towards me, makes me uncomfortable. It puts me on edge. Mayabe because i've never been in the dynamics of a relationship? or because i won't know what to do. Maybe because I don't want him to feel burdened by me - or because i don't want to be with someone and always be thinking what are they doing? who are they with right now? fuck i dunno. all i know is that it worries me. I should maybe do a test drive with someone i don't feel so strongly about??
Another thing is, I'm kind of ignoring the obvious. The fact is Matthew and I got pretty hot and heavy last night. Not that I didn't know that it was coming.. But we did. It was good too. So the question is what now? Are we to just carry on as normal? I'm not saying I want to explore what could be, I'm just saying that... erm.. I want to explore what could be, a little bit.. lol. I'll have him over for dinner friday night. Steak and chips. I think mark is going to glasgow on friday?? I kind of hope so in a way. I want it to be just matt and I. I love mark and would love him to join another time. But the thing is I know that having mark might mean having kevin. kevin is great but he can be a bit of a lad at time. A bit...crass or unmannered. And i'd have to cook for both Kev and Mark which may be fine, but i know the way that mark has little care for house work or is quite lazy about cooking, I know that having kev around usually turns him quite laddish, and he may take the piss, a la danny lowe. Not that i'm likening mark to lowe but i'm saying the way i felt about danny may resurface. And if for any reason i do have to cook for all of us, then i'll be either like japanese curry chicken OR risotto. Probably the curry.