All that is
i absolutely love how this person (Janet Daley) has put into words my opinion of the societal difference between brits and americans and why I really do believe that the americans, are, as a bunch far happier than the brits. (she talks about new york specifically)
"In New York last week, I was struck once more by two of the most startling differences between that city and London: the first – which presumably comes as a shock to most British tourists who believe New York to be a tough, impersonal city – is the extraordinary good nature and friendliness of the population. The easy pleasantness of all those countless exchanges one has with strangers on the street, in shops and in restaurants produces an infectious sense of optimism and well-being that is irresistible."
A move over there perhaps may do me some good? I'm really thinking seriously about it now. Especially after the way I let my job opportunity slip away on Monday. I cannot stop beating myself up about it. I had it on a plate, but because I wasn't forthcoming or go-getting or passionate enough to just grab it by the balls and own it, it has been removed from my rights.. Now it keeps making me look at my life. It has begun. Yet I seem to keep waiting for it to begin. I have to take control and do something. I keep waiting for something to happen to me. Things don't just happen, you have to MAKE them happen. So far, I feel my life is far from remarkable. I'm leading an unremarkable existence. But I feel like I should be doing something great. Like I have potential to build something. I look at these people at job interviews who are on their roles - PA', Secs, Admin, Marketing manager or whatever... and they've been doing it for yrs, they say, and seem so content. I cannot be that. I would die of depression. I cannot be content with that because I feel like I have the mind, the insight to begin something, I have intelligent insight and intuition, incredible compassion, memory, a fierce determination when I want something, fantastic taste in clothing, Interiors, physical beauty. I am very aware that I have something that a lot of people don't have. But I can't define exactly what that thing is.
I'm on the Wunderman website now, I know they have opportunities for graduates, and offices in New York and toronto.. I'm thinking of New york. The way I imagine it is incredible in my mind. I think of the high society setting of 'A perfect Murder' their beautiful apartment, and comfortable married life, the irresistible viggo mortensen and his artistic, tortured existence, and his warehouse apartment studio with exposed brick walls. Or cruel intentions one of the hallmark movies of my childhood - annette, cathrine, the lives they led, the beautiful upper east side, decadently styled apartment, the sound track - My goodness the soundtrack - Placebo's every me, every you, craig armstrong & elizabeth fraser's 'this love' sebastian walking through central park on the brink of autumn, so crisp - the time I decided that the transition between summer and autumn was my favourite part of the year, annette's family event, one of the most beautifully shot, and romantic love scenes - how I'd always hoped my first time would be (though it never was).. then there are the other films that I'm sure will come to me later. Then the playfulness, and glamourousness of non other than gossip girl. of course as the cast say themselves, it is just heightened reality. But one cannot help but slightly buy into this idea and fantasy, which they so successfully sell.
But then again I sometimes think, 'will it turn out the way london has for me? And I had incredible an vision of a life in London once'... So what will make this time different? Is it the people? Is it the surroundings? The fact that it's a completely different country maybe? London has often been compared to New York - my friend Lyv says 'New York is London, times one hundred'... hmm. Each to their own, maybe? I've harboured fantasies of moving to NY for so long now - since before I even came to CSM. And fuck the one who says "when you're tired of London, you're tired of life". Well its not London I'm tired of, its my life IN london I've come. There seems to be nothing here for me at the moment. My true friends here are few here, I have no permanent job contract, nobody is dependent on me, i have no debts, i'm not in love with anybody, nor is anybody in love with me. More or less a free agent in every sense of it. My chemistry with London at the moment is not right. I've not fallen out of love with the place, I'm just a little disgruntled, feeling like i'm stuck in a rut, and I just don't see a future here in london, right now. Not ever, just right now (and by future I mean 2-5 yrs from now). I've completely stagnated. I can spend this christmas here, and maybe another summer. But by this time next year, I want to be on my way else where, if not else where already. So many things I keep saying I will do, but not gotten round to doing - I've not travelled, I've not learned fluently how to speak spanish/french, not saved for little personal improvement projects, not skydived, or gone diving, or gone to asia... or learned to drive. fuck. Before I didn't pay too much attention, but now I feel this thing building up inside me, and if feels like something I need to get out my system. or fuck, maybe i'm just in need of good, hard bashing. well heck has been almost 12 weeks since I last got any action. and if i'm counting that episode at hampstead heath, which by the way, was not that wonderful and i think i've expressed this before.. I've achieved things that have been expected of my by the mortal powers that be, all of great value of which I know I will appreciate the older I become, but all very mundane and unexciting from my young person's window. I've barely lived, is my point and i'm 22. these should be the best years of my life. hurry.
I'm thinking of going to purdey and showing them how much I want it - by giving them a sample perhaps of the Purdey Bi-cintinary thingy... 200 hundred years... Or would that be looked upon as unprofessional? They are after-all, very traditional, so showing up unexpectedly and giving something to pass on to sharon may not be the best idea. And there is the small chance too that she may, may just choose me afterall. She did sound keen and my consultant did say she was keen. So unless someone else comes up.. gosh don't want to think about it. I guess if I knew then what I think I know more now, which is that I am considering making a move to NY, then I would have taken it. It is ideal and would fit in well - a 6 month contract. so from now through to April. Would give me time to save, and look for something permanent over there... I really should have grabbed that position by the balls. god help me.