Little Kitsune

Thoughts of one old soul in a newer body
2011-10-18 20:53:44 (UTC)

Pressures of today

It's times like these when I truly feel inadiquitte, I feel foolish and I feel stupid. I end up feeling like I'm not worth much, it is times like these I just want to cry, I want to just scream and let all of my anger and dissapointment out, I want to scream to and at the world! I just want to let it all out, yet I know I can't. If I were to scream out in anger, or burst into tears, people would look at me like I was crazy, they would stay away from me and look at me with a completly different view then they do now; or even worse they would ask me that dreaded question "Are you OK?" with pity in their eyes and voices. No, it would be too impossible to let it out, not at school, or anywhere near the public.
I'm so lost, I just don't know what to do anymore. As the school years go on the work slowly becomes more daunting, more impossible. The work just gets harder and harder and somewhere along the way, I've lost it. Why is it we are now required to take foregn languages? I can barely keep up with one none the less another, who decided that this was an important thing? Who decided that "these" are the classes we all must take if your going to get into college and become successful in life, and "those" are just your electives, somethin extra and fun to do.
I love art, absolutly LOVE it, yet I fall behind because I am told that the projects and essays on 'this thing' and 'that person' are more important because those classes are the ones I need to graduate, the things I need to be a successful person. What do these people know about ME this is MY LIFE and they know nothing of it.
So I cant write in past tense or in the imparfait in french, why should it matter? All of these classes make me feel like im not worth much, getting back those grades, it is not a fun feeling, it HURTS an di feel like its tearing me apart, it's to the point I cannot even move out of fear for my future.
"What is wrong with you?! Why can't you just get this right!? You're going to fail and not get anywhere in life!!!!"
These voices in my head keep screaming these words out at me, what those numbers and those little letters that are called grades are screaming, what society is screaming at me; and it is all inside my head. I cant escape those voices, those words, they follow you everywhere you go and you just can't get them out of your head You don't have anywhere to go; you are haunted by what our society thinks of you just from those silly little letters that can kill a person inside.
It chains me down, it blocks my thoughts and my art suffers,it crys out for some light, crys to be made into a reality, and my words just won't flow, and everything is around is shaded in a dark grey, the world around loses its color.
Right now, I feel like a flower, wilting from those giant trees blocking out my sun, taking away my light.




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