Hi Diary, long time….a lot has been happening in my life since my last entry. Too much to put down in one single entry. I hope to be more frequent with my entry and update you on a daily basis.
Right now I am preparing to go on an odyssey of discovery. I want to discover my inner self…what make me tick. I want to find that out, then push myself to achieve all what I am capable of achieving. I have divided my targets into the following (1) My Business (2) My Finances (3) My Career (4) My Fitness (5) My Kids and (6) My Spiritual Being. One conspicuous missing entry is my marriage….i have no targets for that, I hope that it will align and fall in place if I am able to achieve the other things.
To summarise how I feel about my marriage….I have a deep feeling of love for my wife but it is covered in layers of disappointment, lack of trust, annoyance, distance, lack of feeling etc I really do not have any interest in discussing anything deep with her or doing anything meaningful with her. I hope all these layers will peal off over time and I can begin to enjoy my relationship again. At the moment I have to dig deep to keep up appearance and maintain status quo to keep the marriage ticking.
The only time we remotely look like husband and wife is when we are sleeping, this is the time we hug ourselves. Other times we may as well be distant friends. Sex is off the menu as I got fed up of trying and to be honest I am also scared that I may not be satisfying her since I found out about her vibrator. The thing that bugs me is she told me she really struggles with sex so I don’t really bother that we only usually do it about once a week, so why fucking get a vibrator then? This si the reason why I feel I have to ‘Do Me’….don’t condition myself to suit her and then waste my life away. To ‘Do Me’ I have to discover myself by going on this journey of self discovery. I want to see how far I can go if I put my mind and all my being to all these targets (above)