blueberry

Confessions of a married woman
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2011-10-13 15:14:02 (UTC)

I hate my life

For the first time yesterday I saw a picture of my husband's baby. I went to my mother in law's house and she had like three pictures of my husband's baby on her dirty ass television stand, huge one's too. When my sister in law was giving me something I ordered from her.... I mentioned "is this ALfredo's baby? I had never seen him." She said "oh yea, that's him. You had never seen him? Do you see any pictures of my kids here? Only pictures of A's son" I kinda felt bad, for her saying that. Anyway, I'm not sure how I felt when I saw pictures of his baby and pictures of him and his baby. I guess at least he didn't give her pictures of her and him with their baby. Whatever. Lately my husband has been fiesty, like jerky fiesty, I mentioned it to him earlier in the morning yesterday. I did my regular routine, work, study, school... and he texted me to let me know he was getting a ride from his friend. As I was driving home, I was surprised he hadn't called me after 930. I left it at that and he finally texted me with "call me." I called him and I said, "why couldn't you call me?" he asked me the same question. like i said he was being fiesty all day. I got to the houe with some grocieries, I struggled unlocking the front door. After I had finally managed it to open it he came and he tried to help. With an attitude problem he puckers his lips so i could give him a kiss... and I said... why are you acting all jerky? He turned around and said whatever. I went directly to the kitchen to make us dinner. I cooked it. I served him, he ate at his typical place, the coffee table in front of the TV. I put on my headphones and I ate at the dinner table. Which made me uncomfortable because he would look over every fucking minute he was sitting there eating. I decided to move to the kitchen and sat on the foot stool and used the counter as a table. That was that. When I went to gave him his second serving.... Imentioned "I saw pictures of your baby at your moms" I could tell he got upset. I said, you know it would of been so much better for you to had showed me a picture of him when I asked for instead you avoided me, blah blah. I just walked away. Later he came into our "office" room and he said, "you know why i didn't show you pictures of him? because then you would say, he looks like your whore, or whatnot" DId he really just tell me that? Wow I must be a really bad person for him to think i'd say something about an innocent child. I have nephews and karma is a bitch. I'd never say anything like that about a baby. I told him "wow I don't know what I ever did to you to make you think I'm a heartless bitch. All I ever do for you is support you in all you do, even if it fucks me over." He said, "Well I wasn't going to take that chance for you to talk about my child like that." Can you believe it? I cussed him out so bad, I named him all the names in the book: asshole, pussy, bitch, mother fucker, I said fuck you to him a million times. I was/am so upset. All he had to say was "I'm sorry I never showed you a picture of him." I used to ask him how his child was all the time but I stopped because I could tell he didn't want to share that with me and I stopped sharing stories of my family to him because he doesn't need or deserve to know what goes on. Anyway, i slept in the "office room" cried myself to sleep and he never ever apologized, he never said anything back to me. Like always, the only thing he came up with was "remember when you called her son a bastard". I said yes I do, but i found out you left me for a pregnant woman it was my first reaction what did you expect, I asked God to forgive me for that. It not her babies' fault that their mom is a whore. It really isn't. They don't ask to be born especially in such fucked up situations. That's so selfish. I give it to her she might made have made a mistake once, but mistakes don't happen twice, the second time is a choice. And that was her stragery to keep him. She should keep him they are made for each other, they are both fucked up in the head. I may not be book smart, but I'm damn common sense smart and I'll take that over the book smart any time. I can't believe he didn't come to comfort me and apologize to me. I'm so sad... so disappointed in his way of thinking about me. It's not like he just met me. He's known me for 14 years. what the fuck! I'm destroyed. Everything he does to me keeps getting worse. Just when I thought he couldnt do/say anything worse to me, it's worse everytime. :-(. I don't know what he's going to do. I feel like he acts in impact and maybe this has impacted him to take another step on leaving me. Everything should just happend already, I can't even move on, he's always checking on me... always wants to know who I'm with, it's like i'm in a relationship with just the restrictions. Fuck my life! All I can do right now is pray and ask God to give me comfort and to throw some sense into him and for him to make a decision quick. My head hurts my eyes hurt of so much damn crying. I wish I had a special man in my life maybe that would make me feel better, maybe that would give me courage... maybe it wouldn't. Oh well... times-a-ticking.


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