Just My Luck...
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2011-10-12 23:40:53 (UTC)

Still a Bad Day...

Well, first of all, R said he was high when he broke up with me, which makes sense, but if he really liked me he wouldn't be ignoring me like this... making me feel so aweful. I feel as if I've done something to deserve this, which I know I don't... But I've been thinking about my ex, J, a lot lately... I think about him every waking moment of my life, and when I'm not awake, I dream about him. My feelings on this are back and forth. I feel almost like I like him, but then sometimes my mind and my heart are just screaming no, and I hate him, but I still can't get him out of my head. I know that all I have to do is say the word and he'll come running back to me immidiatly, but then at the same time I don't know how he feels. I found a picture of him best friend in my locker and it said "Love you. Date me," which I'm not doing, I mean, he's a jerk and he's my ex's bff. But then I found a note that said "Will you go out with me?" and then it said his name. I was considering everything but then I found out he was just saying all the "love you" shit because J knows me and that I like that, and he was just trying to help his friend... but I don't like him. It pissed me off and he was the last person I would ever date. Even if he was the last person on earth I wouldn't say yes to him... but with the way R is treating me, I really don't know what to do... I love R, I really do, but the thing is that he won't even look at me anymore, and we're supposedly "dating," even though I haven't talked to him in weeks... I really need to get up the courage just to say something. There is another guy that likes me, and he is really nice. Gentleman nice. As much as I think he's so sweet, I don't want him. He's a really good friend and nothing more, and as I've said before, there's something about the bad boys that is just so attractive... But he's being such a jerk... I just wish this would all work itself out so I wouldn't have to do anything but enjoy life and be happy... I think I've been thinking about J so much because I've been feeling so desperate to hang on to my childhood, as in last year... when I didn't know why people cut, when I was happy with J, when I didn't have a care in the world... but now I guess all I can do is curl up with my blade and cry myself to the eternal sleep...