Jack's Twisted Kingdom
the bitter taste of happyness
I try very hard to be happy for other people. sometimes things in our lives happen, and we, a general, we, not a specific we, and we, find ourselves awash in something approaching true, utter contented, happiness. take for example, "rhona" (it's not her name, I'm using to be as vague as possible). a lovely young woman, who, when we met, was angry, bitter, a little lost, depressed with her weight, among other things and was agonizing over an ex boyfriend, struggling with school, and in general, being quite normal.
I spent months, every day talking to her, consoling her, propping her, introduced her to friends, ideas, places, stoked some fire under her ass, and general was there for her, when, well, no one else was. Time passes as it usually does, and not without hesitation I ask her out in a subtle way. only to be rather harshly rebuked. I don't know why, I don't think it ever matters, but probably many reasons I prefer not to dwell on. And now, almost 2 years later, I sit here, angry, bitter, feeling rather unloved, very very alone and well, I don't think it's fair at all. I did all the heavy lifting, and some other guy gets all the accolades, and the rewards from it.
I know I'm just being selfish. but you know, when the fuck is it going to be my turn for a little light at the end of the road? when do I get the girl, and wake up beside her and look at her and say "hey you, what do you want to go and do today?" I haven't felt that way in years, many years, too many to really count that wouldn't make me angrier anyways. I don't necessarily want to get married and have kids and such, but fucking hell, it'd be nice to have the option to make that choice, to be important enough to someone else that the choice would be there to make. sigh. I just want to be happy. for 5 fucking minutes. just wake up in someones arms and just, look over and say, "hey gorgeous".