Just My Luck...
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2011-10-01 00:02:02 (UTC)

How come life is so confusing?

Hey, I'm back again. They re-arranged the library. It looks super weird. Anyways, I have a problem. Since I was sick for 3 days, I kinda lost contact with R and all, not having a cell phone, so seeing him again was super weird. On my first day back to school (Yesterday), he didn't talk to me at all. I felt horrible. I mean, SUPER horrible. I even started to consider that this relationship wasn't working out. I started cutting a lot more then I usually do. It's enough for me to leave my "supplies" at home to come to the library. But I came up with a different way of doing that, a safer way. You know the little tape dispensers? Well, I took one apart and whacked it till the sharp, jagged end came off and I have just been pressing that into my wrist real hard and dragging it across. I mean, If I'm addicted to the pain, then why draw blood? The sight of blood calms me somehow, but I don't need to see it all the time. Anyways, back to the topic of R. He didn't talk to me at all the first day. Today at school, while we were walking out, it almost seemed like he was avoiding me, either that or it was much more fun shoving people out of the way to get out of the school. But I admit, that IS pretty fun :). I was just about to give up trying to talk to him when he slowed down to walk next to me and smiled. His friend was still bugging him, so we couldn't actually have a REAL talk about anything important, but we did talk, and it felt pretty nice to talk to him again after 6 days :). But I have a problem. Remember J, that guy who kept asking me out after we went out twice and had a lot of problems? Well, I been thinking about him a lot lately. I know it's totally not fair to R, but it's almost like I can't help it. He actually is ALMOST the perfect guy, in my mind. He is super sweet, doesn't mind talking about the awkward things, like when we'll hold hands or when the relationship would be advancing. He loves to give super-cute nicknames, and knows it's not all about being tough. It's almost like he has an exclusive ticket to see into a girl's mind to see what makes them tick. It's amazing. But he does have some downsides. Like he gets that it's not cool to be tough, but he doesn't get that girls don't like cry-babies. He also has anger issues. He has gotten angry and called me a fat ugly bitch before and told me I would end up just like my dad (I'll tell about that later, and I'm not fat, I'm curvy). He also is really clingy. But for some reason, I can't get him out of my head. Maybe now that I'm back at school and I'm around R again, the thoughts of J will fade. I hope so. He was in crutches today. I wish him luck to his injury on his foot :) AND A HUGE THANKS TO THE PERSON WHO SENT ME THE SONG! I really apreciate the time you spent on me, even if it was just a couple minutes. It makes me feel like someone cares :)