All that is
a couple of things i've learned this week, about a couple of things.
1. I'm 90% positive i have adhd. positive. proper fucks me off. i have ALL the symptoms, i even laughed out loud when i read them. it annoys me the fact that my mumm&daddy weren't attentive enough to spot some of these things. so tunnel visioned, lack of empathy. them, i mean, not me. I'm an intelligent person, i'm articulate and all the rest of it and when i want something badly, i usually get it. whether it's grades etc. if i don't get it, it's cos i haven't wanted it badly enough, never really wanted it in the first place, or i've been distracted by something etc. but i've always felt that i've had to work to focus slightly harder than my peers, just to get the average thing done.
2. I met up with aly yesterday evening, and as usual he can be a bit of an arrogant arse. - meeting with him is always nice, but i always come away from it wondering if i've been a stimulating enough conversationalist for him. I can't always be on the ball especially when i have an impending deadline, and several job interviews in a row all of which I seem to be effortlessly cocking up one after the other. But with aly, it seems you always have to be 'on it'. and yesterday i wasn't the best chat. but with him, i feel like you don't get to just have an 'off' day where you can just sit and contemplate. when i rang him up before we met, to talk about my interview, i went on a brief rant about how it went, what they asked, how i felt about it, what i want from it etc. and he just said 'well i hope you get it', in this very objective and removed tone that stank of 'i didn't ask for a summary of your day, but very well.' he doesn't offer any insight, or feedback or even just a gentle and simple show of moral support or nodding of the head, you know?!!?! whereas, when he wants to rant about whatever, a girl, his work etc, i'll listen patiently and offer him stellar insight, advice, etc. He definitely gets more out of it than i do, moral-wise. with him you almost feel that you have to perform. hate it. not like jack, where i literally can just sit in silence and ponder and he'll seem to know to just give me time and space for the brief minute that i check out. this after-feeling was even more amplified because i randomly bumped into matthew on my walk home, around southwark station and our conversation was just so effortless and enjoyable. with aly there's sometimes a subtle tension and he can be abrasive. but with matt it was just laughs and kindness which brings me onto my next point.
3. I may have a bit of a crush on matt. i've known him since i started working at the national gallery, and we hit it off straight away. sure enough there was the stint about my birthday, after which i've since removed him from my phone book. admittedly i still had his number as i didn't delete some of his messages as some where funny and worth keeping). so yesterday i was walking home and i see matt down my way on union street. and we both stop and i immediately launch into a half irritated half playful rant/moan about where the hell he'd been and i'd sent him texts the past few weeks, (about 2) none of which he'd replied to, and that i'd deleted him on facebook (joke) then he profusely apologised and said i wasn't the only one etc. then we just talked, laughed joked about the national gallery. he'd just got back from the gym so he was a bit sweaty, and i don't know if it was that - the thing they say about pheromones, or if it was because i've not been laid by someone i like since ending of July, or a combination of both, but i felt myself feeling really attracted to him. shiit.
4. It's either hit or miss for me at interviews. I suck at assessment tests etc. i much prefer i think, one on one. STAR Questions etc. i think i can ace those. but i hate the 'lets sit around a table with other interviewees and play games and speak out loud to see if you've got such and such qualities' fucking hate it.
5. at my interview this morning, my phone went off (it was my daddy calling, [to ask why i've not been in contact i'd later find out] as I'd not returned a few of his calls - boy did that one come back and bite me in the arse) it went off during MY 2 minute presentation. i couldn't fucking believe it. sure it happens to the best of us, but that must have tipped the scales in my disfavour a bit. There was another interviewee who, when during the true/false question - you had to say something that was true about yourself and something that was a lie, and get the others to guess which one it was by asking strategic questions. For this test, one guy tim
6. Not having a television for yonks, (as much as I held a secret smugness about this fact) I have to admit may have worked in my disfavour today. I didn't know the answer to simple current affairs questions that other more normal people WITH tv sets quite possibly did. It was so frustrating - 'who currently holds the world record for the fastest 100 sprint' - i thought 'i fucking know this one, cos i was watching it the other day at cecil's house for like 2 hours, sat in front of the TV set whilst getting my hair done! i had watched this guy beat other athletes at the 100 m goddamit! i was so pissed. looked it up the minute i got home - Usain Bolt. Fuck sake. UGH$£%^&*!*&^! anyway, that's that. Which brings me onto my next point. (apparently I also missed a question out which i knew the answer to - steve jobs, CEO of apple - i didn;t see that one. not sure how, and i thought of putting google for the owner of you-tube question, but i didn't and apparently that's the right answer.
7. My quiet smugness for my ability to live without what others consider absolutely necessary, has to come to an end. If i'm to make it in this communiations/branding/advertising game. Once I get some doe:
- I have to get a TV set
- I have to subscribe to the TIME mag
- break out of my early 2000's rut and get myself a fucking blackberry, once and forevermore.
- I have to subscribe to some sort of Social Media mag.
just so annoyed because i realised that Adfero would be a really good place to start working - especially if i want to go into account plannig. You'd move upwards fast, the pay is basic, but you'd learn so much, they have an intensive training scheme. - i find out in 24 hours.
Then at the world trade group yesterday, The pay starts at 18,000 which lets face it is pretty shit. but chances for moving upwards in the company and progressing are large. I hear back from them today.
Then at babble the event sales position, which I've pretty much been offered will be the last resort. reason being that it's a small, relatively unknown company, though the likelihood for growing are decent, the pay starts per-hour, till you get promoted, after which they put you on a basic salary... but they do have the 'national account manager' role that you can progress onto which seem very attractive. but then i have to think - how long would it take me to progress onto a role like that? 2 yrs, likely more? and then do i want to be at novus leisure or babble for that amount of time? wouldn't i want to be working at a branding agency getting planning experience and exposure? - I've called them asking if I can postpone my trial shift till Monday 10th cos 'i suddenly have to be in sheffield'. i just need some time. i'm thankful for interviews but now is such a bad time for me as i'm submitting something next friday so i can't relax or prepare very well.
Then if absolutely EVERYTHING above cocks up, there's always tay associates who rang me yesterday to talk about my CV. If that doesn't work, there's always adel, and links here and there. we'll see. god help me.
8. Today at the assessment, one of the guys there were so gorgeous. his name's jonathan. got a girlfriend tho. half italian, half black of some sort, all cute and dimply.
9. Saw Jason, ben's (now former) flatmate yesterday when i went to meet aly. My heart skipped a beat when i saw him. so sudden too. i had just walked out of the chicken shop with my meal, and he walked past. i thought whoa. he looked my way too but didn't seem to show any recognition. he had sunnies on. seemed just the same as i remembered him, only hotter. then i looked him up when i got back and found he was in a band in the 90's. goodness me, was he gorgeous. this must have been nearly 20 yrs ago, as he was skinnier, in the face, smoother looking, fresher, and had an earring in one ear. bass player apparently, for his band. i would so go there. but if it really came to it, i wouldn't. ben probably told him a thing or two about me and i'd hate to think what, but i wouldn't imagine it would be anything too chaste. then to go and flirt with him (even thou he'd readily oblige,) wouldn't be classy at all. i know it's a double standard, but its so ingrained in our society that women everywhere have come to internalize it, and i'm no different. so i do admit it's a double standard i've signed up to.
10. I think the ridiculous and irrational love spell that tim has had on me for the last 3 weeks, has began wearing off. about bloody time, i say. I know this because when i'm infatuated with someone, my capacity to find anybody else attractive reduces significantly, almost to the point of non-existence on a few occasions. but yesterday with matthew and today with this jonathan guy, means that i'm slowly returning. obv if tim and i meet at some point down the line, i'll definitely be on it - flirt, etc and it may happen at some point down the line, with all these festivities coming up. and the fact that I didn't get what i was after, leaves an annoying (not sour) but annoying taste in my mouth. after meeting with kate yesterday, knowing i know she had the power to ask nioke to arrange an outing again with us all, and she'd do it if she really wanted to but she said she's not inviting them to her b-day. so annoying. i mean come on. which only makes me think she's doing it cos that night she kinda suspected that i liked tim. the way we danced together, grinding, but not in the dirty sense, and then at the end when we all left and said goodbye, and we hugged, i'm not kidding, i'm pretty sure he deliberately let his hand brush up against my bum after hugging. then when we walked off, i said a last goodbye to noks and i saw tim looking at me and smiling and i smiled back, and kinda did this (dorky in retrospect, but couldn't help it at the time) thing where i used my index and middle finger to point at my eyes, then at him, and he chuckled and smiled what i like to think was a knowing and flirtatious smile. then we walked off. and i really had a crush on him after that. and then i wanted to say something to kate as she and i walked to trafalgar, but for some instinctive reason i decided to wait till later - to see how things may progress and to hear what she'd made of the night. then she asked what i thought of the night and of the boys, meaning tim, nokes and tom and les. and i said i thought they were so much fun, which they were, and that i had a great time, and that they were fab dancers. at that point i really wanted to tell her that i liked tim, but something about the tone with which she used to ask the question stopped me from saying it. call me paranoid, but it sounded pre-meditated, and 'carefully put' - like she asked with the intention of extracting particular info or leads. so i was neutral in my answer. then we parted and on the bus, she called me again to talk about some guy, phiso's mate who was all over her the whole night and asking if they were a couple or what (lol), and again she asked me what i thought of the boys - in that same way (although this time a little more fluidly). Then after this, i thought i'm deffo not answering honestly cos the fact that she'd asked again says that she had an opinion of some sort on it. and she said with an attempt at casually (though it didn't sound so as what she was about to say wasn't warranted by anything i'd said) "...yeah i used to have a crush on tim (Aha!) but not anymore - he was just so lovely and complimentary to me that time we went to a concert, (and here I remembered kate saying at one point around easter, that he was gonna come to her do, and nokes was gonna hook them up etc) but i don't anymore, and anyway he has a girl friend now, (then she asserted this line,) a serious girlfriend"... again, say i'm being paranoid, but i just felt like she saw us getting on that night and thought I might be interested, and so was trying to warn me off him one way or another. basically, in girl speak it translates as 'I liked him first, so you're not allowed to go there cos it'll be against the rules of 'girlfriend-hood', and even if you do, he's DEFINITELY not available...'. But it definitely felt that way. why else would she have said that so randomly.
11. i'm glad i wrote about these jobs, it helps put things in perspective. for example i was seduced by the idea of accouunt manager.
12. I cannot wait for next week to be over
13. what's the deal? it's september and the temp today is like 24 degrees C. ridiculous, i was all ready for summer to be over. I'll be so happy when this is over next submission. it has been all summer, like something hanging over my head. casting a shadow over every bit of fun i had.. i want my life back. whatever it was like. i want it back.
14. I've not had action in a while. since July 30th to be exact, at hampstead heath with matthi. after that, i didn't really fancy matthi anymore. can't say why. even tho i knew he was attractive etc, meeting with him kinda became something to do instead of staying in, rather than wanting to do. the excitement had worn off. the attraction too. however, when we were lying on the grass/bushes fucking, to turn up the heat a little i asked him what he does to this girl he was kinda half seeing 'openly', and he said i can't talk about it, and mid-fuck, i asked 'why'? and he said 'cos it's private'. i admit i was kinda taken aback. Ben would readily divulge all of that for me, whenever i asked him. '..and then what' or 'what else?..' i'd ask him, and he would tell me and watch me squirm delight. after matthi said this, I admit i felt a momentary wash of deflation and sadness. very slight. i tried to take no notice of it. to not want to talk about it even during sex implied respect and care for this girl, and i dare say, was noble at a push. but it made me wonder whether if another girl had asked him about him and I, he'd respond the same way? Or did he deem only certain girls or encounters with certain girls more worthy of being kept private than others? I think that contributed to my not really liking him so much anymore, or deciding 'not to bother', he liked someone else more, and I don't like being second best. i also i decided i didn't like the look of his cock. the word that sprung to mind (literally), whenever i saw it, was 'dumbo'. FOR THE LIFE OF ME I CANNOT TELL YOU WHY 'DUMBO' came to mind. but i'll try. firstly, his dick is shaped like like the word 'dumbo' especially the massive 'O' at the end. sturdy, good length, then a massive head that looked like it was too big for the skin around it (which would sit, looking tightly wrapped around the bottom of the head). 'DUMBO'. It also looked very clumsy too. like those weight-lifters who over-do it and who you imagine would knock objects over all over the place just by standing near them. 'DUMBO' it also seemed to 'bounce'. as if it had a life of its own...'look at me'. so yeah, that's that. wasn't a huge fan of matthi's cock, for looking at. yes, it felt great the first time he fucked me, but nahhh.