2011-09-25 00:14:17 (UTC)


Sometimes I just don't know what to say, and other times I feel like I'm annoying the crap out of people. But that's what I was born for, and it certainly is my purpose. And for its price came these eyes, my skin, my fair blonde hair. What was I expecting becoming bisexual? All of it is way too easy for girls. All of it is too difficult to try and get the guy I always want. It's another endless loop of "i'm getting nothing" for the next 4 years. I'm sticking to my introvert personality as Alberto wisely recalled, my quiet and dark, lonely place, where I just shut the fuck up and not let anyone else in my heart, except for Sacramento, of course.

I don't even know why he's so close to me.

Anyways, it's pretty difficult being me at the moment. I think a lot of guys are cute, a developing crush, and 2 actual crushes. It pains me so that I don't even know the full name to my developing crush, he has no traces of a profile whatsoever in the digital world. He is really, really good-looking though. I just want to hug him. Joel is starting to get old with the shit I'm putting him through and I can't blame him. Pavel really widened my eyes today and now I feel more like shit than ever. I should've never told him what I did, and now I'm in quite a sticky situation of trying to apologize to him without making him go fucking insane. I almost lost control of myself when I saw Joel literally raving in the dance room. I love how he doesn't give a living fuck what others think about him; he's so hipster but he's amazingly cool and behind his wilting forest eyes lies someone completely in harmony with nature and spirit and is he with himself, harmony. I need to know his secret. I need to does he do it?

Luis...uhmm. It is so awkward around him now. I failed to provide common sense on keeping my name a secret and now he knows that I want to hug him, how great. However, he's in Alejandra's Geometry class. Lucky ass...I'm so jealous of Ale because of it, but I have Chewy and Tom, I could utilize great resources from both, and Alberto, however, I'm not using them for my personal benefit. I'm being honest; I just want any of my crushes to notice I fucking exist. That would be enough.
And then this random Indian guy who I'm suddenly developing feelings for, he seems so friendly and chill and someone worth taking a bullet for. Would he do the same? HELL NO. But I'd still do it. His name started with a G, however, I can't figure him out because he is insanely, insanely quiet. I wish he talked to me. I wished any of them talked to me. I wish I had the people I like as friends. Even Nick! What bullshit is that? He doesn't even like me; he doesn't even talk to me yet he stares at me all awkwardly in physical education. What is he hiding from me? In this high school, why are they all hiding? Don't they know I'm excellent at sensing cover-ups? I don't know the truth, but I do know when it's not it because something is always amiss. And you know what's also amiss?

My life.