my thoughts

My Journey
2011-09-23 06:15:42 (UTC)

last day of summer

Yuck. And more yuck. How depressing. Yeah, I hate fall. Actually I don't hate fall all that bad, I just don't like the reminder that winter isn't too far behind. Winter is my least favorite season of the four. I don't like the cold, the wet, the slush, the snow, the ice, the lack of daylight, the dead trees and grass, and so on.

Okay, so I DO like the very first snowflakes of the season, and I like the very thin blanket of snow on the trees and ground that looks like a postcard pic, but that's it. Absolutely it. Then I'm done with it and ready for spring. As I've said in previous entries, the cold makes me physically hurt and the rest makes me mentally hurt. Therapy with the special lights doesn't work for me, I've tried it.

On to the rest of my day, mundane as it was, nothing much exciting happened today. Hubby still hasn't gone back to work. He shouldn't complain about not having any time off, he's been off two weeks now. He took the Friday off before we went on vacation and he's yet to go back. He was supposed to go back Tuesday. Tomorrow is Friday and I doubt he will go back for just one day. And all I heard today was how broke he is and how he won't have a check for two weeks, and how he wished he had not bought the lot beside our house because it is such a burden to pay for. Well, guess what, when you don't go to work it's kinda hard to pay for stuff. At least I already where I stand as far as the bill money goes. He didn't give me any last Friday , being at the beach and all, there won't be any tomorrow, and he's already said he won't have a check for the next two weeks. So, guess who gets to pay ALL the bills for the next month. Yep, that would be me. I mentioned the annual house insurance bill being due next week, and was more or less told it was MY bill to take care of. He said he has to pay the land payment. Ummm, no. I told him when he first decided to buy the land that we didn't have the money. I told him I couldn't pay for it because I had enough on my plate just trying to pay the bills. He said he would be the one paying the land payment. I asked him if he could manage the land payment along with the regular bills and he assured me he could. Well, it hasn't quite worked that way, now has it. I'm left paying all the bills most of the time.

I'm venting, I'm pissed. He makes 17 bucks an hour, when he gets his ass to work, and I'm getting a long term disability check from work each month, 60 percent of my usual paycheck, which was a little over half of what he makes. The math doesn't add up. I'm getting screwed. And I'm sick of it.

Back to my non exciting day. I got side tracked again. I cleaned the kitchen this morning, made breakfast, went to the pharmacy to get my blood pressure meds filled and then off to my therapy session.

We discussed the wedding and the trip to the beach. I told her all about both events, including my meltdown I had on my birthday. She told me I was being too hard on myself, that I was beating myself up over it. She told me I had a lot on my mind that particular day. She said I was probably feeling alone being away from family, I was dealing with a lot of emotions concerning my daughter, I was dealing with the realization that I have had something to put all my energy and focus on and now I'm feeling like I don't have that anymore, as if my job as a mom has all but diminished. She said that for all of my adult life I have had a reason to keep on keeping on and never really took the time or effort for ME and now I have the time and energy to do that but I don't know how. She said that every once in awhile, we need a good cry, and it was okay that I did. She said the thing that concerned her was the fact that I had ideas of wanting to end it. She made me promise that I understand that we have a deal that I won't do anything like that. I still feel useless. And silly. But tomorrow is another day. Maybe it won't hurt as much tomorrow.

Rambling again. I'm good at that, aren't I?? I get on a roll and just can't seem to stop. Maybe it comes along with the territory, being bipolar. Or maybe it's just me. until later.......




Ad: