Time Flies

Tempis Fugit
2011-09-16 14:46:41 (UTC)

write it down again

the thing is, I get to feeling that everything that goes wrong in that house is my fault. It could not be that she actually lost the $10. It could not be that the missing $10 was the $10 that mysteriously appeared in the car...

It is not disrespectful to clean a desk, rewire all the computer and speakers and extensions and then wipe it down for dust. That is not disprespectful. I did not ask, I did not need to. I did not lose any of her stacks of miscellaneous papers. I did not throw anything out... except an old envelope that was empty.

The assumption is that I MUST not care, cause I did not have her micro-manage a simple task. I MUST not care because I moves a stack of papers off the printer to the chair so I could wipe down the printer, and then put the papers back.

It does not matter what I do. So I hide shit. Like this diary. I hide it cause she would go ballistic... yeah, she should have read the 800 entries I had before! Fuck.

Things I hide.
-I washed my son's sheet last night that was urine soaked, all by itself.
-I take vitamins. She thing it causes my foot pain. I don't care.
-I use my eczema medicine maybe once every 2 months. With extended use it can cause kidney problems. She thinks if I use it I am for sure going to have kidney problems. So I hide it.
-I spend about $3 a week on candy or chips, or both.
-That I really don't like eating dry cereal for my work snacks and for my lunch.
-I started drinking a crap load of coffee.
-That I fall asleep not thinking of her. I don't have happy happy joy joy thoughts of her.
-I hate that she talks about my family, assumes that I agree with her about how horrible they all are. I don't agree. They were not the best, but my mom would not have turned a blind eye to me getting molested like her mom did. Compare apples to apples and her mom is a monster. Mine not so much.

Pride.
-One of the 7 deadly sins. Whatever. I am proud I am a good dad. I am proud I am a good brother, son and role model to more than my immediate family.
-I am proud I am not a christian. Seems weird to say maybe. I am no religion. I am proud I hold true to the basic values, but that I don't feel internally the pressure say that I am religious and to actually believe it too. People do believe and that is great. I am just not wired that way, and I am proud I feel confident enough to be myself. If I were to pick a religion it may be buddhist though. Except for buddah... The teachings are just wonderful. Cristians hide too much and the Christian bible is too interpretive. Too much hate in it, too much my way or the highway... too much money involved. Besides, how could I support a church that used to enslave people in the name of god?

Ever notice I post these on Fridays? That is cause the site is way less trafficed on Fridays.

Back on topic... been feeling angry a lot. was totally up front with my son about it too. I told him I did not want to hang out with him much last night because I was angry at his mom and did not want to take it out on him. I hoped he understood and I let him play on the computer and eat his dinner while I cooked,watched tv and did laundry. She never realizes how much laundry I do... or how much I clean, or how much I really do.

This weekend I am hiring the house painter, fixing my deck, and going to a birthday party for our friend that have 4 )and one on the way). Good friends like them don't come around often... and I am losing them because I never have any money to go do anything or I can't screw with the schedule or he wants me to come over and watch a mma fight- that my wife totally disapproves of...

On a brighter side, I am coding a website for a guy who is paying me 250 for a small site... and now he wants to do more with it, so more money. Plus he has an insurance website that he wants me to re-design! That will be like a 700 job! So... an extra 1k for Christmas! Whooo ha! Actually the money is going to pay off a short term loan I took out 4 months ago to go on vacation to Michigan... but maybe daddy's gonna buy a new pair or shoes!?!?!?!? (literally...)

been too long since I wrote. I am sure more is going on... like I am looking for a new job... but it would help if I could move, or have a wider skill set.




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