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2011-09-05 13:19:17 (UTC)

stupid or not?

Okay so been left on my own the last couple of days for a few hours, unfortunately when that happens theres no one around to judge, so i end up eating more than i'd like to. Yesterday ate this cake thingy, and i was upstairs sticking my fingers down my throat and gagging when my boyfriend knocked at the door. Meaning i wasn't actually sick so i went downstairs and tried to act normally, unfortunately he kept asking what was wrong and staring at me, of course i said nothing. He said he'd find out later on but luckily he didn't ask though so thats all good. Other thing was that apparently him and my friend Anna were talking to Anna's mum about how i'm 'always' cleaning ect. and her mum doesn't think its right, nor do Adam and Anna. I honestly do not see it like that, surely it can be expected that a 15 year old should help around the house every now and then?

Mums gone out with my step-nan and brothers, so ate some pasta and a biscuit, got really annoyed at myself about it so made myself sick and then later tonight i can start with the sit-ups and leg exercises and then bam! school tomorrow and back to control.

Year 11, the last year of school, endless exams and revision, expectations and stress, for what? a piece of paper you will be judged on for the rest of your life. honestly is it really worth it? because i know i'm not gonna get the best results so i'll just get annoyed with myself when compared to the smart people, who always do well because they have that concentration and know how to get their brain working.

Also, found a test on the internet that helps you figure out if you have any form of depression, got some interesting results if i'm honest. It tells you how likely you are to be suffering from each type:

major depression- very high
dysthymia- moderate
bipolar disorder- high
cyclothymia- extremely high
seasonal affective disorder- high moderate

i don't really know what they all mean so i'll be researching that later, told my friend Martin about these results and its so not helped my case that i shouldn't see someone. he wants me to see someone that can 'help' but honestly what is the point when i'm one of millions that feel like this? half of which will not see anyone at all during their life, i'm sure they turn out okay so seriously i'll do this myself, i'll make myself feel better and happy.

shall update soon enough, apparently my laptop is being taken off me tonight along with my ipod haha apparently that way i'll go to sleep earlier? yeah good luck with that one! x

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