All that is
Sometimes i'm not sure i'm over ben. or that i ever will be. like now. thing is i don't know what it is that i felt for him. was i in love? sometimes i think so. or would i keep going back to thoughts of him? or maybe it's just natural. I've just done a google of him. haven't done one in about 1 yr. and it turns out his book will be out on sept 1st. i'm happy for him, i am. but i think of how i felt for him before and how much i'd so love to be part of his success, or be someone he could share it with. it makes me wistful. that's all. The lust, the energy is always palpable and I'm fantasising about seeing him. except i'm know that those feelings, which i know too well, that are so particular to sleeping with ben never fail to follow. and i've not seemed to decide if it's all worth it. i'm not sure it is. which is why i won't contact him.
but i know i'm only having these thoughts now cos i'm going through a period of loneliness and lack of a sense of personal comfort and achievement.. and when i feel this way, i've noticed i have a habit of becoming nostalgic for company of old flames who were the epitome of personal achievement - phil, martin, now ben. Phil, i've suddenly been thinking about because he was an investment banker and i guess i've recently began idolising and even fantasising about a life in that role. and it's made me think of phil, how easy going he was, how much he liked me, how funny he was...was i right to just stop talking with him like that? and then more recently, martin. martin was a cfa, and again having an established career in the finance world is comforting to me right now. I think, if i go to ny he'll be there, and spending one week with him might even give me some sense of romantic normality - like being love companions for a week or two. of course this thought/arrangement would only be acceptable/attractive in the time frame of a short period. no more. so i sent him a (knowingly) kind of sentimental email - that i walked past a small street in st pauls on my break the other day, and thought of him, as that's where he lived during his work period in london. As expected, he was delighted to hear from me and replied almost immediately, questions about my life/work/when i was visiting NY, ending with he'd 'love to see me..'. That last part made me feel a little.. i don't know. an almost gross feeling. like in what way did he 'want' to see me? gross. and i've not replied. i won't till tomorrow maybe. that's it really. all i need to know is that they still think warmly of me. and i'm fine. this should be proof to the fact that these recent, warm thoughts are all due a lack of something ELSE. not a lack of any of the above characters.