Samar

Internal Struggle
2011-08-20 10:10:21 (UTC)

Chicago Trip!!

I was so excited, looking fwd to a day full of fun and an amazing trip that brings us closer. The drive won't matter, after all we would keep each other company, so much to talk bout, what to do in Chicago, our relationship, our future, and today.

I drove first, 4hrs now, if he wasn't sleeping, he was on the phone. Woke up this morning, and he was commanding as always, and belittled everything I did for him, from the bag I got him, to why are you not up.

Not even a thank you for doing the laundry, or thanks for this trip, am looking fwd to it, instead when I ask are you excited? The answer is, Well... We are just going to Chicago, not a big deal.

Last night, I say I hate my nose, and he says how much is a nose surgery!!

I'm trying, Allah you know I'm, to be positive, not argue, but he just keeps pushing me. I must let it push me away, but always keep my pride, and keep my cool.

It isn't good to keep track of things, but I can't talk to him anymore so I only have myself. I really was hoping this trip would be amazing!! :-(

I'm so scared to lose him, fighting for his love, and it just feels he is fighting to leave me. He says the meanest things, and I'm suppose to just take things normal, but friends, and especially husband/wife are suppose to encourage .& support each other, not criticize everything and make you feel replaceable and valuable.

Plus he doesn't tell me things, he applied for a car loan and didn't think to mention it. When I tell him everything, when I talk, he isn't interested.

It is all my fault!! I screw everything up, he really did love me, but I don't know if he respects me or values me anymore! So what do I do, the way he talks to me, triggers me. I'm dieing inside, I feel so silenced.

I'm trying, but I don't even know what am suppose to do, I see a place open, tell him bout it, another car pulls in and he says, ya Allah ya Samar!! Like it is my fault, am I suppose to just be quiet, it isn't fair, if you saw a car there, say that and don't move.

I really love him, and want this to work, but not so sure he does. He says things like tolerate you, and I'll be stuck with you, no man getting married should say those things.

I always wanted to marry someone who loves me a lot. Not someone who I love and they are not sure bout me. It is my fault, why do I have these emotions, I never wanted to be emotional, just want to be normal, like Sally, I try so hard to show love in all the ways I know, but still am not lovable.

I just need to stop talking, some things are not meant to be shared. can't help wonder, is it normal for people to drive 9hrs together, and not have not even one conversation!!? What does it mean!? We have nothing to talk bout? I'm pretty sure I read this in the book, he just isn't that into you!!

So is that it? He isn't into me, I think maybe he feels an obligation to stay in this relationship. Maybe this whole trip was a bad idea, I had good intentions thought we would have fun. Instead I feel un-appreciated, and unloved.

If I dont reach out for his hands, he never reaches out for mine, and if I'm in pain he doesn't even care to ask what is wrong or reach out his hand like I would have and massage the area.

I tried to talk, he was upset with me, I said sorry, but it wasn't good enough, so I explained and he said I guess you dont know me, I'm harsh with family and people that I love. Why I thought!? But I didn't ask, scared maybe that would mean we are arguing! I said that I was sad he didn't hold my hand or reach out for me, he completely ignored me. Interrupted our conversation by stopping at gas station and then of course he never continued our conversation.

This doesn't feel good, I don't feel like his best friend who he wants to share things with!! He use to say I won't find better than you. He doesn't say that anymore!! Now he knows he can, maybe he feels stuck with me, I have to be strong!

Really want this weekend to go well, I have to smile and be happy, so we can have fun. Ya rab saa3dny




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