Snuffy

Danielito
2011-08-17 07:46:37 (UTC)

And we're back....

OK so I had thought that Mary and I had an agreement that we were through. I thought we went to bed understanding that we were going to start moving apart - get things rolling in the direction of divorce. Well, it's no wonder that the day after she was so nonchalant about everything.. She thought we had only come to an agreement that we were both really unhappy... or something.. I'm still not sure. Well, this all came to my attention today when Barbara came over for a massage. I took the kids to the park. After we got back and Barbara left, I asked her what they had talked about. She said she told her she felt there was little hope in a happy future together... That's where the record-scratch-silence sound effect happened in my head. I thought we concluded there wasn't going to be a future!! I guess we should have been more clear the other night. So here we were again talking about our problems. It was then that I knew I had felt relief in believing I was going to get to start over and choose another mate. The overwhelming emotion of fear would not let me understand that I was also feeling relieved. But now we were back - back to that cage - the prison we've both been living in together alone. Things got really ugly this time as I rehearsed to her my lines about incompatibility and lack of chemistry from the beginning. She lost it and said she was through with listening to me say those things. All the crying was awful to sit through. My reaction isn't to get emotional.. instead I stone-wall. And the only things I can think to say are "I'm sorry", "don't you feel the same?", or offer up solutions to make it better. I was telling myself, "Don't quick fix it, stupid!" This is what I always do, you see... I want to resolve the conflict even if it's by using lies or half truths. I see negativity and despair in her, so I balance things out by trying hard to see the positive and hope in the situation and then I campaign with that. The end result is a 4-year marriage that blows. And this is exactly what happened again... after she said "how am I supposed to go to work like this??? I feel cheated! I need to get away from things for a few days. I can't live here like this..." I caved and said "well we don't know anything for sure... Why don't we give it a few days and who knows.. maybe we'll change our minds." She said she needed to know what we're going to do right then and there before she left for work because she would not be able to make it through work wondering. I said we could go with the plan to try really really hard on our marriage for the next 6 months while I get my crap together. She liked that idea and I felt better but only because I saw she was temporarily happier. I afterwards felt trapped and depressed again. I then needed to talk to Colleen about what she felt about me. I know that the reason I feel like a bird in a cage is because I have in my heart the hope to be on the other side of that window glass. If I could eliminate that hope I could learn to love and appreciate my cage. Man, this analogy could go deeper. I need to figure out if living outdoors like a wild bird is the right thing for me because it's my true destiny / nature. Or is it the symbol of the natural man that is an enemy to God and the cage is what I must learn to transform from wild to tame. I feel so confined in this circumstance. Everything I've been taught is that this is what I should learn to love and that everything else is empty. Why is it completely backwards for me???? Why can't I love being a dad and a husband???? Why must I long to be with friends to laugh and be carefree?? I want to be responsible and mature but it seems so dull. I always think that if I were with the woman of my dreams, my soul-mate, I would give up all to be with her. This is what Mary wants from a man. I can't give her that because I don't respect her nor can I call her the girl of my dreams, the love of my life. It's all spoiled. It's all wrong. How do I find motivation to work on this massive project?
Anyway, I went to the mall to catch her on a break. I couldn't bring myself to ask her about her feelings toward me because it seemed out of place. I chickened out so we just talked about Joe and I talked about Mary... like we always do... I couldn't bare it any longer so I texted her instead. She was open and admitted that she has wondered "what if" but has forced herself to not cross that line respecting Mary and London. We agreed that as things stand, it would be impossible to date. We agreed that if things change in the future and the timing is right we might venture. There are a lot of if's and might's but my heart ignores them all and focuses only on the chance that it could happen. I'm such a pathetic fool.




Ad: