Snuffy

Danielito
2011-08-16 16:32:56 (UTC)

First Day At Sea.

Yesterday was the first day of living like I was going to be divorced soon. What a weird day... I did my own thing and Mary did hers. She seemed upbeat and happy. I was blah.. I can't tell if she's trying super hard to keep it together and putting on an act or if she's actually liberated, having felt trapped in a horrible marriage for so long. I hope it's the latter.
I had lunch with Colleen. She had her game face on. I could tell she wasn't her flirty, friendly self. I'm sure she suspected I was going to suggest we consider something more than a friendship between us. It was kind of awkward at first so I just started in on the conversation Mary and I had the previous night and how it sounds like it's all going to be over. Then I went back to give her the history. I didn't talk about a relationship between her and I because she was making it clear with her body language that we were not going to date, especially while dealing with what I'm dealing with.
It was nice telling someone because up until that point I had only told it nicely to a counselor and to this journal. She was helpful. She said we didn't do anything wrong, we're just incompatible. I'd like to think that but I'm so used to believing that any two people could love each other if they both lived the gospel. I think I'm changing my mind about that.
So... The one thing on my conscience right now is the possibility that we're choosing to call it quits under the influence of our addictions. What if we could work out after my addiction is under control? The way I dismiss that is that I am not only not attracted to her physically, but I'm not attracted to her on an emotional and mental level either. Her personality and background doesn't seem to be working to fulfill my needs. It's sad but I really can't settle for less in that area and neither can she. If we continue to live unfulfilled we'll be unhealthy, mentally and physically. When I think things through, it makes sense for us to part but when I let my emotions get the best of my judgment, I want the comfortable solution and that's to resolve for now. What I mean is, when I get lonely or sad, I just want comfort and companionship so I temporally patch things up with Mary to feel loved and connected to someone. I default to thinking that it would be easier to struggle through our problems till death than to sail uncharted waters and separate. I really think that we should stick with this decision despite everything our church leaders, parents, and counselor would say. I hate how everything they say promotes staying together no matter what the circumstance. I wonder how happy Jacky and Roger are.. I wonder how happy my parents are for that matter.
Anyway, after work I took off to escape my problems and had the time of my life at the Summit with Jon, Andrew, Brandon, and Olga. Kyle and George didn't show up and it was nicer that way. Ashley was there and she seemed really happy now that she quit the job she hated with a fiery passion. Her stress producing job was killing her. Thinking about that made me watch a documentary about stress with I got home. It's scary what stress can do to your health. Yet another reason why staying in a relationship that stresses you out is really bad.
We'll see how things go today... *gulp*




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