All that is
I went to the launch of otis'..
I went to the launch of otis' parties last night. i had a mediocre time - no dancing, but i did meet a really nice girl.
anyway, on the bus home, i got on the top deck and i sat behind a rugby looking guy. not intentionally at all. but as the bus ride went on, i began looking at his neck. he had 2 scars at the back of his neck. then i remembered what the guy looked like and that we had exchanged a glance when i walked on. then i began thinking what if i just asked him what the scar on the back of his neck was. and then the more i thought about it, the more i got the courage till eventually i did it. then i said 'excuse me, what are those scars on the back on your neck?' and he turned around, almost as if he'd been expecting to converse at some point with me. and he turned noticeably red, and explained that he's prone to keloid scarring. and then i stupidly said, because i didn't think i was going to see him again, 'i'm a medical student..., i was just curious...' then he said 'sorry i don't have a more interesting story....' then he turned around for a few more secs, but halfway, his torso still slightly inclined in my direction. i was expecting him to say something more to me, but after like 3 mins, and we were now in westminster, (my usual stop) i said 'so where've you been tonight?' and he turned (again in the same way he did the first time, but more readily this time, and said he'd been to see planet of the apes with his friend - his friend's just moved to fulham etc. then he said 'where do you study medicine'... and i had to tell the truth, and i said 'i'm not a medical student, i just said that to find out what it was on your neck etc, i'm actually an architecture student...' and then he asked me more questions, we chatted he's a financial advisor and he did economics in cambridge, and its his 25th b-day in a week or so - bottom line is he was really gorgeous, just my type. looked big like he played rugby, and had an odd, but very sexy mouth in my opinion, a kind of mild cleft lip thing on the right side of this lip and really crooked teeth from what i could tell. and he seemed really shy. like kept looking down. i thought 'he seems really really nice, like i actually was attracted to him in a way i haven't been to someone in a while. and i was enjoying our chat so much, i said i'll just wait till st pauls and get off there - but st pauls came too fast, and i barely noticed when we passed it by. then we talked a bit more about gap yr etc, and he was really asking lots of quests felt sure that he'd ask for my no. by the end. then i said it's liverpool st, my stop, and he started getting off too and i realised that it was the end of the bus route ("23 to liverpool street...") and i expected him to ask. then we walked for like 5 secs, he said where do you live, to which i dubiously answered 'i have to take the 149 to londonbridge' and i said and you? he said 'i just have to figure out where i am... ok, nice meeting you.. night.' and he suddenly started to steer off in a different direction to me, a bit too suddenly for me to notice in fact that i wonder if he saw that i was just going in his direction...!!
then after that, i thought 'fuck that! what the fuck just happened? how the hell did he not ask for my number??' i mean am i loosing my mojo? just sucked. ruined whatever good came of my night. i wish i never spoke with him. i mean? wtf? i felt so sure he'd ask. maybe he had a g-friend, and that was who he went to see a film with on a saturday night. or maybe he was too shy? i mean he did seem v.v. shy, his mannerisms, and eye contact etc. or maybe he just thought i was not that fit, a bit boring, and well, i did lie at the start didn't i?? and i haven't stopped thinking about him since, and it's pissing me off. not only the fact that i let him get away without sussing out what the deal could have been, but that it's opened up that longing, desire again to be with someone. not that i didn't want it before. but these last few months, i just kinda went about my way bullet proof, almost expecting nothing as to not be disappointed, and not being so affected by gorgeous men i saw around me. i'd look at guys then i'd think 'whatever'. i didn't care. even with matti. i didn't feel for him what i could have. isn't it strange? then suddenly i can't stop thinking about this one guy that i met on the bus. i think its cos he was exactly my type. looked young and kinda vulnerable. soo hot. plus i think it's cos the majority of guys that seem to like me are like above 35 or something, which i'm so fucking tired of. now i'm hoping i see him again some place. and now i have this longing that's been awakened. to be with someone. around my age or whatever (by that, i mean 24 upwards and professional)