my thoughts

My Journey
2011-08-14 02:49:18 (UTC)

made it through

Well the shower has come and gone. Thank God! I'm sooo glad it's over. I hate to be that way and I'm not at all unhappy or feeling bad for my daughter. It's quite the opposite. I'm so happy that she's happy and the shower went as planned, it actually went well.

She got a lot of really nice things, overall I think she was truly happy with everything. The cake turned out to be just wonderful, the decorations looked nice, the food was great and plenty of it, and the games went well. Everyone seemed to have a good time. I hope she got a lot of what she had listed in the registeries. I'm not sure, I didn't get much of chance to talk with about it and I'm sure she doesn't quite know what all she did get until she gets it all home and unpacks it. She seemed REALLY happy with the mixer and coffee maker, so that made me feel good.

She also bought a car yesterday. She called me last night and told me she went ahead and bit the bullet. She got a silver Mazda 3, it suits her really well, or as one of her bridesmaids said, "it fits her". I just hate knowing she has five years worth of car payments now. But on the other hand, we've all done it. And she makes decent enough money to afford it, so I'll think she will be okay.

I still have that awful feeling that I'm losing her more and more everyday. I guess it's because she will be working so much closer to her new home now and she won't be heading in this direction nearly as much now. I'm trying to get used to it, but it's hard.

Hubby managed to miss three days of work this past week, Wed, Thurs AND Fri. There is no way possible he could have any more days left this month. He can royally piss me off sometimes. He was moaning and complaining about needing tires for his car, needing money to buy them. Well I hope he isn't thinking I am going to buy them. He makes three times as much as my long term disability check (if he would get his ass to work) . And the thing he asked me yesterday still dumbfounds me that he even asked me a question like that and is serious about it. He read on the internet about a breakfast deal they are having at the hotel we are staying in for our beach trip. It is a buffet every day for a certain price if you pay before check in. If you wait until after check in it is almost three dollars a day more. He complained about how expensive it was going to be . He told me that since I don't eat much breakfast, he wanted to know if I wanted him to prepay for my breakfast too. WTF?!? So, I told him no, go ahead and pay for his daily buffet. He had the nerve to ask me what would I do while he eats breakfast. I told him I would just eat a pack of crackers or something and maybe read. That answer didn't phase him one bit. He said okay.

I'm still floored that he is acting this way. I would NEVER do him that way. That is just plain rude and inconsiderate. I can see right now that this trip is going to be one long argument. So, I'm going to go ahead and say it, I DON'T WANT TO GO. I would rather stay home. Hell, if it's going to be that much of a burden, I can sit right here and not be a pain in his ass. No, never mind. I'll be a pain in his ass regardless of where I am. Lord knows he's been a pain in mine for awhile now.

At least he went to bed a little before 10 tonight. The races were called off before 2 today and it didn't even rain this evening. So we are home tonight. He complained all morning before I left and again this evening from the time I got home until he went to bed about how his stomach hurt and how tired he was because he didn't sleep last night. Welcome to my world baby. That's my life most of the time. He is supposed to be picking up his son in the morning for their "visit" for the day. We know how that works out. He will go get him, his son will go upstairs and stay in his room, hubby will do whatever outside, then we will leave around 2 or 3 to go visit hubby's parents. Yay for me. Can't wait. Not. I will be so ready for a day to myself come Monday. If he lays out of work again, I swear I'll leave early and stay gone until really late. He knows I'm pissed about it. He kept telling me to go ahead and tell him he's a lazy bum because he didn't work for three days. He said he knows I'm pissed off. Of course I lied to him, to keep a huge ass argument from happening, and I told him that if he's sick, then he's sick, and I guess he shouldn't be working if he's sick. But he got the hint. Whatever good it does. He'll just do it again next month, and the next, and so on.

No wonder I keep a headache almost constantly. I'm serious when I say something has got to change. I have several different scenarios playing in my head. One is to plead with my docs to let me go back to work, make enough money to support myself enough to move out. One is to get in my car and just drive until I stay wherever I end up. But on the other hand, why should I leave my own house??? I bought and paid for it myself. No payments from him. I made payments to the bank way before I even met him. Then after my car accident, I took some of the insurance money and paid it off. I pay the taxes and insurance on it myself every year. So why should I be the one to leave?? But. It would be so much easier, not nearly as messy and ugly if I would just leave and say "here, just take it. YOU pay tax and insurance on it. Just don't ride my ass over me leaving, don't give me any grief over it, I'll go my way, you go yours. ". I guess it all just comes down to how bad it gets and how bad I need out.

Well, I guess I've vented enough for now. I don't feel much better. I'm tired, my head hurts, I don't want to think anymore tonight. But I feel restless too. I don't want to watch t.v, I don't want to read, I don't want to goof off online. I've tried playing solitaire on the computer but I can't get into it. Sleep maybe?? Ha. I wish. That would be nice. until later.......




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